Monday, January 19, 2015
Day 9 - Does Perfect Skin Stop Dermatillomania?
In my previous blogs I had been looking at the ways in which I had defined my skin, and the relationship which I had thus built with it. These definitions and word associations were mostly negative, like ‘dry’, ‘stretched’, ‘unpredictable’ etc…. but when I looked deeply into myself I saw that I also held seemingly ‘positive’ definitions toward my skin. One would think this would be good and normal, but if you read on, you will see how I took a ‘positive’ word association that I had held about my skin, and over time used it instead to feed the disorder, just like I had done with the negative ones.
The moral f this blog: don’t judge your skin (or yourself) in any way whatsoever. Just don’t do it. Accept the things you cannot change and change the things you cannot accept. Judging in any way only creates a separation between self and one’s body, it creates a standard instead of natural self-expression and rational nurturing, and it also creates hidden reactions of fear and anxiety. Read on to find out how I reached these conclusions using self-forgiveness, and what I plan on doing about it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘youthful’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘youthful’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘youthful’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘youthful’ in separation of myself.
I connect the word skin to ‘youthful’ because at 33 years of age, my skin has only recently been showing signs of aging. Up until now it has been young skin – that’s all I know. I remember looking at the skin on my arm once, it was before I had even contemplated picking my arms, it was tanned and smooth and the light was shining off of it, it had a healthy glow to it. I was blown away by how beautiful, firm and youthful it looked. I thought to myself, “that is the way I always wanted my skin to look”. Interestingly, from then on I started picking the skin on my arms, trying to obtain and recreate that perceived perfection. In the end I ruined it. I always say to myself, it’ll heal, it’ll come back… but as I mentioned earlier: at 33, my skin is starting to show some signs, and in reality, our youthful skin does not last forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look at my skin and creating a feeling reaction within myself that my skin is youthful and that this is ‘good’ and ‘right’, because I see, realize and understand that if I place the value of myself into looking youthful, then I am setting myself up for failure, because as we grow older, our bodies age, without exception.
When and as I see myself wanting/desiring youthful looking skin, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to unconditional self-acceptance by reminding myself that my skin and I are on this journey to life together, as one, and age will happen. I will not accept or allow myself to place my precious value outside of Who I am as Life, as a living being that exists Here and Now, and into a picture presentation of what I think I should look like in order to feel happy within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that youthful-looking skin will create peace-of-mind within me, because I already demonstrated that when I had judged my skin as youthful, wherein it triggered derma because I began to fear to lose it and obsessively try to make it ‘better’ and ‘more perfect’. I see, realize and understand that I as my mind have created and now cycle the thinking/thought patterns of dermatillomania, and THAT is the issue, not my skin nor my skin’s appearance. I can’t simply switch over to having peace of mind and self-acceptance by altering the way I look. No. I have to actually stop the current patterns of judgment and abuse, and this is doable by investigating the thoughts, accepting myself through forgiveness, and scripting a change.
I commit myself to accept myself the way I am (watch this TED talk about self-acceptance, it’s life-changing cutting edge stuff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tkkL9w2pw8), by no longer fooling myself into chasing after youthful looking skin- but instead nurturing my skin as it is, as best as possible.
When and as I see that I am picking at my skin in an attempt to ‘correct’ it or make it look more perfect and youthful, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that what I am doing is having the opposite effect. It is aging my skin, creating flaws and blemishes, and that the faster I stop, the less damage I will do, and I stop immediately, as soon as I become aware of what I am doing.
I commit myself to stop immediately, as soon as I become aware of what I am doing, regardless of the internal energetic experience I will feel: “but I’m not finished”, “but I can’t leave it like this”, “I NEED to do pick this off or else everybody on the street will notice it and look at me”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that a picking session has a set end time when ‘the task is done’. The task should have never begun in the first place. The task is delusional. The task is only bad and consequential, and stopping is only good for me and beneficial – no matter what way I look at it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that people in the street will notice tiny little things on my skin. Note to self: get over yourself. Another note to self: What people WILL notice is the mark you leave if you don’t stop immediately, as soon as you are aware.
Also, PLEASE watch this TED talk! Unconditional Positive Regard