Day 20 - OCD: There Is No Reset Button
7:33 PM
OCD is exhausting.
Dermatillomania is damaging. Sometimes at night I fall into an OCD possession
and after some time I am able to tell myself “just go to bed, Kim.” And I go to
bed. I wake up the next day and it’s as if I am another person; someone who is
not inflicted with uncontrollable compulsions. That’s not to say that the damage
isn’t there. It’s there to varying degrees depending on how much self-control I
was able to exert the night before. But I wake up mostly feeling lighter, not
yet burdened with the day’s baggage. This morning, however, I woke up feeling
as if nothing had changed from the night before. It was as if everything had
just been placed on pause only to resume
again exactly as is was once the sun came up again.
I felt
horribly dreadful and completely flattened because I didn’t get my ‘reset’ of a
good night’s sleep. I don’t know why this happened, all I know is that I didn’t
get my ‘get out of jail free’ card. So I decided to do some self-forgiveness on
it to see how I could turn this self-defeating situation into a self-empowering
lesson for me to learn from. I sat down and opened my computer and began to
write:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend
on the feeling of starting over with each new day, wherein in the morning I will
feel fresh and new as if the previous day’s event hadn’t occurred, within this,
forgetting the seriousness or gravity of
the disorder I’m facing, by intentionally ignoring or ‘forgetting’ what
I go through each and every day.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
doom and gloom when I don’t wake up feeling refreshed, as if a reset button hadn’t
been pressed, because I placed the responsibility on my physical body to absorb
the previous day’s activities, and to heal the damage I had done, and within
this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place
the responsibility upon my physical body to deal with the consequences of what
I do due to the disorder I have, instead of taking the responsibility upon
myself with the utmost seriousness and
gravity, wherein I am able to do everything within my power to assist and
support myself to manage this disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do the
bare minimum to manage this disorder, and to hide and cover up the fact that at
most times, it is not under control, and to try to hide it from myself,
suppress it and sweep it under the rug, thus creating a situation of denial
within which I am only undermining myself by preventing myself from doing
absolutely everything I can to assist and support myself to walk in this life
with and through this disorder.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
overwhelmed, diminished and powerless when I do not wake up feeling refreshed
and ‘new’, but instead feel as if the previous day’s struggle and load were
here with me immediately upon waking up, and within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
want to face the struggle and the weight I have created and carry due to the manifestation
of this disorder and all the outflows and consequences it causes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
know how to deal with and manage this disorder, and to within this
‘not-knowing’ fall into a default-mode program instead of actually standing up
and facing it through exploration and investigation, and actively seeking and
searching for a solution for and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall
into what is comfortable and feels ‘right’,
instead of using a practical outlook wherein I would asses my behavior and look
and the consequences and outflows, and then make a reality-based assessment of
whether or not what I am doing is actually assisting and supporting me to live
to my utmost potential. Within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act
based on what feels ‘right’, even
though it is blatantly obvious that it is destructive and damaging to myself in
every way.
When and as I see I am ignoring the gravity and seriousness
of my disorder by hiding from it and ignoring it, I stop, and I breathe. I
bring myself back to self-movement by bringing the disorder Here, in front of
me, in order to remind myself that I
have a task to do and a process to walk that involves moment to moment application,
and within looking at the disorder Here, in the present moment, I decide how to
best proceed in such a way that I am dealing with, and NOT ignoring, that which
I have created and must now undue and replace with the creation of myself as
Life, equal and one Here.
I commit myself to realize and understand that this disorder
is not greater than me, by walking with it and through it step by step until
it’s done.
I commit myself to face myself within that which I have created
as OCD/dermatillomania.
I commit myself to stop hiding from OCD and sweeping it under
the rug and doing the bare minimum in order to live and survive.
I commit myself to do everything within my power to manage
and overcome OCD/dermatillomania.
If you would like to teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching one discernment when it come to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct it to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom. - See more at: http://dermotillomaniatolife.blogspot.ca/#sthash.tAziT2KI.dpuf
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