Day 19 - OCD and Compulsive Skin-Picking, Causes, Solutions, continued
8:06 PM
I am currently looking at what is
going on inside my mind that creates the conditions in which I build up
pressure within myself in such a way that I have created and perpetuated the
need to pick at my skin as a form of release. In my last blog I described an
event at work, which was where I had made a mistake, and I had gone into quite
an exaggerated reaction when I interpreted a co-worker’s reaction to it. This
reaction stayed with me throughout the day as a pressure/irritation and un-comfortability
within me, and was but one example of the accumulated experiences that together
contribute to OCD/dermatillomania.
I have extreme and intense reactions
to things, situations and events, and it builds up as negative emotions within
me, which begin to feel like a constant pressure and un-comfortability which
can’t be escaped. I find when I get home after a day of this, I need a release,
and the only thing that apparently ‘works’, is compulsive skin-picking. The
release I feel from picking at my skin is such that it’s as if I were releasing
the day’s tension.
Unfortunately, I have seen for myself
that ‘just stopping’ and not doing it doesn’t work – the tension is there and
needs to be released. I’ve tired many many things, but in the end they are not
long-term solutions. The solution I am looking at now is changing the way in
which I handle situations and events throughout the day, so that I don’t create
such big, intense reactions.
I am starting by the example from my
last blog, where I had intense negative reactions to my perceived reaction from
a coworker. It has been fascinating for me to find out through the process of
self-forgiveness (see below), that all the things I thought the coworker was
thinking about me, I was actually thinking about myself.
In addition to this, I also realized
that the way in which I work has been developed over time where, when I am
confronted with something difficult to do or learn, I had developed techniques
to ‘get though it’ with the least amount of what I had perceived as ‘suffering’.
This was mostly developed throughout my schooling
years, and I realized that within the public school system, I had created an
idea or perception of myself wherein I believed that I was less-than most
pupils. I believed I wasn’t as smart, and that if I faced a challenge or a
difficulty it meant that I was unable to do it (wasn’t smart enough to think it
through). So instead of actually trying, I would want to avoid the whole
challenge or situation, because I wouldn’t want to face the fact that I felt so
insecure and less-than, that I felt it was easier to try to fool everyone
around me and ‘fake-it’ through the situation. Of course this is a terrible
tactic, because in the end, even if the goal is achieved, the grade passed or
the job acquired, within myself, I would know I didn’t actually deserve it. I
would know that I didn’t actually let myself be challenged, or let myself
really try and see how my self-expression would come through in terms of how I
would handle the challenge or difficulty if I weren’t hindered by the belief
that ‘I can’t do it’. The consequence of this is constantly feeling insecure
about one’s own work. Feeling that there is something to hide and fearing exposure,
and this fear would be realized every time I would slip up or make a mistake.
It would be like “ah-ha I knew it! I knew I would mess up”. In this way, it
also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, exactly as I describe in my last blog,
which should be read for context.
The following self-forgiveness
reveals how I exposed my hidden fears to myself, in order to come to the
realizations that I mentioned above. Owning the truth and reality of myself now opens up the
possibility for change, which is why the self-forgiveness is followed by
self-corrective applications and self-commitment statements. These are things I
have written for myself, so that instead of going into my usual, automatic
reactions, I can now look at my ‘plan B’, and remind myself that there is in
fact an alternative way to react and comport myself throughout the day. A way in
which I divert myself from building up the anxiety, fear, stress, anger,
agitation and irritation which I later need to take out on myself in the privacy
of my home and bathroom.
I have already experienced much
success with this technique and have done a lot of this type of writing which
has greatly assisted me to reduce the aforementioned emotional experiences in
my life. These are the experiences which I see lead me to compulsively pick my
skin. I will talk more about the triumphs in my next blog, but for now, please
read the following self-forgiveness and see the applications I’ve written at
the end, because the application is where the change happens, and when it’s
been planned out, it is MUCH easier to implement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into
fear and self-diminishment when I make an error or mistake.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,
believe or perceive that making an error or mistake tarnishes who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place
my self-image, self-value and self-worth outside of myself and into
‘roles’ I occupy in my job and life,
without first looking at who I am within the role/position/job etc...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think
that I can strive for roles and titles alone, without doing all the necessary
work to earn them, and believe that my value and worth will increase just
because I have advanced or achieved, instead of seeing, realizing and
understanding that the test of time will always show me who I really am, and if
I have in fact built myself up on falsities which will eventually fall, or on
actual practical application, practiced and developed over time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into
a self-defensive stance when I make a mistake/error, because I want to hide the
fact that I fear that my mistakes and errors are caused by my carelessness or
lack of understanding, and that this should be hidden in order to protect
myself from having to accept responsibility for the fact that I either cut
corners or pretended to understand something when I didn’t actually fully
understand it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cut
corners within work I deem ‘hard’ or ‘boring’ in order to ‘save time’ and ‘get
it over with’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it usually
costs more time and consequences in the long run when corners are cut in the
short run.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend
to understand something before I actually understand it as a survival technique
I learned in school and later at jobs, so that I appear to be conforming well,
doing what I’m ‘supposed to do’, being a ‘fast learner’ and therefore a good student/employee
so that I can survive in the system, instead of seeing, realizing and
understanding that the most important thing is who I am within what I am doing,
and when I take the apparent ‘easy route’, I am not developing myself, and thus
denying myself of self-trust and self-confidence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
panic, anxiety and fear when I don’t
catch on to something immediately, because I fear the judgment of others that I
am a slow learner and I am not ‘getting it’, thus confirming my worst fears and
harshest self-judgments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste
the moments of potential information integration by using them instead to fuel
my general panic, anxiety and fear reactions through self-judgment and
self-intimidation by reflecting it off of what I think others might be
thinking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in
moments when I feel that something is challenging or difficult, to
automatically assume I can’t do it, that I’m not smart enough, or that other’s
can do it but not me because I am slower and less-intelligent than others, and
thus create methods and strategies to ‘get through it’ and satisfy those around
me, instead of actually giving myself the opportunity to just go for it, to give
it a try and see if I actually can do it.
When and as I face a challenge or a difficulty, I stop, and I
breathe. I bring my whole self into that moment in order to give myself the
opportunity to actually apply myself and challenge myself to see how I can work
it through and find a solution. I bring myself back to self-confidence and
self-trust by reminding myself that even if I can’t do it in that moment, that
is not a defeat or a dead-end, and that I can work with obstacles and try
different routes to get to the goal, and within this thus then end up actually developing
myself, and contributing to building self-trust and self-confidence in myself.
I commit myself to support myself and nurture myself to build
the self-confidence and self-trust in any way I can, in order to create myself
as what I will need to be in order to walk through this disorder.
When and as I am learning, and I see that I am going into a
panic, anxiety and fear in moments of hesitation or difficulty, I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to the physical and open up the space within
myself to learn safely, by stopping the self-judgmental thoughts and instead
focusing on incorporating and absorbing and being able to apply the information
that I learn.
I commit myself to teach myself how to learn, how to love to
learn, and how to create a safe internal environment for myself in which my
learning is nurtured and supported.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that there is
NO place for self-judgment and self-diminishing thoughts within learning nor
within anything I do whatsoever.
When and as I see that I am going into a pressured and
‘rushed’ energy and feeling like I need to cut corners and ‘get it over with’,
I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the pace of the physical by
moving myself to do everything I do with the utmost attention and care, within
the realization that in the end, this will get things done more efficiently for
the long term, and in the end, this is actually love made visible.
I commit myself to do everything I do with great care, as if
that which I touch and give my attention to is my greatest creation, because it
is through my actions and words that I do, in fact, create myself, and thus
this world.
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