Day 10 - When Dermatillomania Became Real
8:16 PM
The interesting thing that came out of my last blog was the
fact that doing self-forgiveness on the ‘positive’ aspects of how I’ve come to define the word
skin (and thus how I have created my relationship towards skin/my skin), has
actually been a more profound support in terms of how I was able to bring my
words in writing into living application more than I am used to.
I had opened up some deeper points in terms of what I am
actually losing through picking, and things started to ‘become real’ in a way –
more real because I saw how I was losing something I didn’t know I had until I
became aware I was losing it. I think it’s because as I was moving through all
the negative associations (in my previous blogs), I still felt this distance
and separation with my skin wherein I see it as foreign, dry and infected for
example. But when I started looking at how I view it also as youthful, pretty
and desire, I all of a sudden feel closer to it. I mean, I do deeply want to
love and accept my skin. In a way, this desire directly or indirectly feeds the
disorder, because as I pick at the skin with such focus and precision, I am
doing so within the false belief that I am doing something ‘good’ and ‘beneficial’
for my skin.
It’s true that at times I am destructive and harsh within
dermatillomania, but generally it is more of a precise and careful play-out. It’s
because I do care about my skin, which
is sometimes hard for me to believe. But what I realized existed is this deep
care that is something I unknowingly touched on in my last blog, and in
touching on it and stirring it thus becoming more aware of it, it turned out to
be a force that I have and that I am, within and as which I am able to move
myself, such as stopping my sessions in
a way I had never been able to do before, within these little ‘breaks’
in the trance where I am able to feel
this breeze of awareness, like swift opportunities breezing by as little
opening into which I can come through as the self-directive principle of myself
and really tell myself to stop.
I will continue with the positive definitions in my next
blog, but please visit the archive and read my last blog for context, and
compare it with the two before to see the difference between the tone of the ‘negative’
ways I had defined the word skin, and then the positive way.
If you would like to teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. As you move through the lessons, looking at the mind as you've never seen it before. You are assigned to a 'buddy', someone that has already walked the process, to support you through the writing. It is completely free and confidential. On lesson 6 you get 4 amazingly supportive chats with your buddy.
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