Day 6 - Dermatillomania: The Secrets Within How We View our Skin
4:54 PM
The secrets lie in how we've come to define the words....
When I think of or say the word
‘skin’ I feel a reaction come up from inside of myself. It manifests
as something physical that I can feel, and is connected to thoughts I’ve had
about my skin in the past, situations where I have reacted to and had judgments
about my skin, and all sorts of images and experiences I have stored in my mind
regarding and in relation to my skin. It’s interesting how words are sounds
that we have attributed meaning to, and that meaning is an accumulation of
actions and experiences we live/have lived in our daily reality, so that who we
are and what we do is actually symbolized into language which would then be
like an accumulation of experiences . We both live according to the meaning or
definition we have given to a word, and we define our living experience by
using words to describe it. In both cases, the definition of the word can serve
to either help or hinder our personal evolution.
It is for this reason that I will change the
definition I have thus far lived of certain specific words related to
dermatillomania. I will begin with the word ‘skin’ because within and through
my blogs, I have been changing my relationship with my skin, and therefore I am
changing my relationship to the word ‘skin’ to better reflect the reality I am
creating and will continue to create with my skin. I will purify the word and
give it a new definition which, when lived, will contribute to my equal and one
relationship to my skin, instead of the past and current relationship of abuse.
In order to purify the word, first I
will list all the words word that comes up within me when I speak the word
‘skin’. These words, whether negative or positive, stand within my current
definition of the word ‘skin’, and are how I have developed the way I live the
word skin. These words thus define my relationship to my skin. It is necessary
for me to detach or disconnect this current definition in order to place a new
definition, a definition of my choice; meaning, I decide, I direct and I honour ME within my new
definition, instead of living a definition that I had developed over time,
based on emotional energetic reactions of the mind in unawareness, such as
fear, insecurity, avoidance, self-judgment etc…
In order to release these previous
definitions I will be using the tool of self-forgiveness. I understand not
everybody is familiar with this writing tool. It is something I found online
several years ago and began to use when I saw the common sense within it and as
I read others words/writings/experiences with it. The best analogy I can make to help one
better understand its effects would be to imagine when you are in an argument
with someone. Now recall or bring up within yourself one of the times where you
reached a point within yourself where the internal clouds/storm of
emotion/anger/friction/conflict parted just enough that a new perspective was
able to come through, where you were able to
release your stance, giving
yourself some room to consider your partner/the one you are arguing with- to
see their side, to realize your reaction, to relax a little within
yourself: To forgive them. To hear them
forgive you, and to let those walls come down and realize you are on the same
side. To share a hug, to bring peace and a return to mutual acceptance and
patience with each other, a return to understanding and care, as if you were
coming back together to something that is beneficial, nurturing and supportive,
after having been out in a storm. This is also what it is like to forgive
yourself. You breach a divide that existed within you, and unite yourself into
something greater and more powerful than you were when you were divided. You
bring a piece of yourself back to yourself, and it feels like coming home.
Self-forgiveness is like the living statement that you have decided to assist
and support yourself unconditionally, and what inevitably flows from you and
your actions is a caring and a consideration for yourself and everything around
you as if it were a part of you, and thus self-forgiveness also unites you to
others, the people that surround you and the natural world, and you feel a
little more at home in this world, and in your own skin.
I could continue with
describing my experience with self-forgiveness, but in order for it to be
effective one must not simply describe it, but actually live it by doing the
work. The work involves this writing, where we can look for and identify all
the pieces of ourselves, forgive the separation, and bring the pieces back
together. Therefore, to continue, after forgiving my current definition of the
word 'skin’, I will re-define the word
to one that I can live that will benefit me and my relationship to my skin. The
truth is, if I continue to look at and see my skin the way I currently do, as
my enemy, I am not really giving myself a reason to stop harming it. If I don’t
love and respect and care for my skin, then I can use it as my personal
punching bag without feeling any guilt or remorse. But if I change this relationship I have with
my skin, it will be more difficult to harm it, and thus one more aspect that is
assisting and supporting me to heal myself, to walk out of dermatillomania, to
stop, and change for real.
SKIN
Weak
Unstable
Exposed
Dirty
Scary
Sign of disease
Puss
Irritated
Shameful
Stretched
Dry
Unpredictable
Out of control
Foreign
Embarrassing
Infected
Flakey
Inconsistent
Youthful
Pretty
Toned
Sexy
Desire
The purple sections are where I forgive myself for 1) connecting
the above listed words to the word ‘skin’, 2) for defining ‘skin’ within these
words, and 3) for separating myself from the whole process of defining/living the
word ‘skin’ by having done this in unawareness and not having considered my
responsibility within it all.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
the word ‘weak’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within
the word ‘weak’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘weak’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the
word ‘weak’ in separation from me.
The blue
section is where I forgive the reasons why I developed this part of the
definition of the word ‘skin’, and state how I commit to change in relation to
it.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view/define/perceive my
skin as weak because it scars and bruises as a reaction/result of the
scratching, squeezing and picking that I participate in due to
reactions/suppressions/thoughts etc… in my mind
which I then take out on my physical
body.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/perceive/view my
skin as weak because it shows signs of the abuse I have done unto it.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view/perceive/define my
skin as weak because it reflects to me moments where I was weak and did not
stand/resist/persist, but instead fell/submitted/indulged.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
‘strong’ skin never shows any signs from abuse inflicted upon it, but can
take/handle what I do and still look thick and moisturized and feel firm to the
touch.
I
see/realized/understand that my skin is not necessarily ‘weak’ because of how
it looks, it is simply marked by the consequences of what I have done. It is
still functioning at its normal capacity and would function at its full
potential so long as I give it everything it needs and give it time/space to
heal by leaving it alone.
I commit
myself to walk this process of stopping skin-picking to honour my skin, to give
it what it needs to recover as much as possible and to reach its full
potential, which in turn includes my skin functioning unconditionally for me
within all its uses, abilities and functions.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘sin’ to
the word ‘unstable’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’
within the word ‘unstable’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘unstable’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the
word ‘unstable’ in separation of me.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my skin as
‘unstable’ because it flares up at times, become infected at times, develops
irritations at times, and is fine at times.
I
forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand
that my skin is always reacting to its environment, which includes my behavior
towards it, and if I were more sensitive/aware of what my skin is enduring, I
would be more sensitive/aware to why it reacts the way that it does.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my skin to be the
same all the time, to be unflinching and unchanging, when I am not the same all
the time, unflinching and unchanging in my behavior, and within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to be unpredictable towards my skin, wherein I sometimes care for and
nurture it, and then in the next moment I am abusive and destructive towards
it. I use products to heal, to moisturize and to protect, but I experiment with
the products for short periods of time, I become discouraged and switch
products or stop using them – This behaviour never allows my skin to become
accustomed to one thing, but instead creates a completely unpredictable
environment within which it must function.
I
see/realize/understand that my skin requires a consistent and predictable
environment to be able to trust and depend on in order to really heal, function
normally and even meet its own potential.
I commit
myself to being consistent and predicable with/towards my skin, by trying out
products consistently and for longer periods of time, to observe my skins reaction
and to take note if it helps or hinders before switching products and trying
something new.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
the word ‘exposed’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’
within the word ‘exposed’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and the word ‘exposed’ by defining the word ‘skin’ in separation
from myself.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin
as ‘exposed’ because the marks on
my skin expose the fact that I am not ‘ok’ within myself, and I cannot hide the
fact that I am not ‘normal’ as in ‘perfectly happy and healthy, mentally and
physically’ and thus not fitting into society without having to be judged.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/perceive my skin as
‘exposed’ because I fell like the shame
and self-judgment I feel due to skin=picking is painted all over my skin, and
that I am thus less-worthy or an easy target for others to diminish me because
my weakness is advertised publicly.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am and my
worth based on what I think other
people are thinking about me, when in fact if I have a look at what exactly it
is that I think they are thinking, it
is my own thoughts and self-judgments that I believe fill their minds. Within
this:
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realized and
understand that my skin is merely exposing my own thoughts to me, and that
there are no ‘others’ outside myself that are part of this equation, it is only
about me and my self-relationship.
I commit
myself to walk the process of stopping the negative self-talk, self-judgments
and the shame and guilt I manifest within and through my mind which in turn
perpetuates this disorder, and to instead learn about how to live
self-acceptance, self-worth, self-respect and self-care for real by applying
the words in my blogs into my life and reality, and not just hold onto them as
intentions, ideas and theories.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
the word ‘dirty’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’
within the word ‘dirty’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘dirty’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘dirty’ in separation of me.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin as
‘dirty’ because it creates pimples and irritations and redness.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the fact that my skin
reacts in pimples, irritations and redness mostly after I have scratched,
picked and squeezed it, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to deny my own observations that when I leave my skin alone, it calms and
returns to a normal healthy state.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘dirty’ my skin by
interfering with it and it’s normal processes, by touching it with my hands that
might have traces of bacteria or be in any way unclean, which then introduces
this bacteria/uncleanliness into and through the skin if I break the
skin/create openings/rawness as entry points into the more vulnerable and
infection-prone layers of the skin/epidermis.
I commit
myself to stop blaming my skin for the
things that I am actually doing to it and responsible for, and within this, I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
I as the mind/ego am a victim to my skin which apparently does these things
unto me, when it is in fact the opposite and in reverse, however I have thus
far not been taken self-responsibility for how I have been living in relation
to my skin.
I commit
myself to stop tearing open my skin within the belief that it is ‘dirty’,
because I now know that it is myself and my actions which create the physical
evidence upon which I have defined my skin as ‘dirty’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
the word ‘scary’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’
within the word ‘scary’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘scary’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the
word ‘scary’ in separation of me.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin as
scary’ because of the horror I feel when I look at it after a skin-picking
session, whereas if I place myself ‘in
the shoes of’ my skin, its existence is more horrifying due to the daily abuse
it receives by my hands.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my skin for the fear
I feel when having to go out in public with damaged skin due to the fear of
judgment and the internal experience of isolation I create and manifest within
myself due to having picked my skin.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within
blaming my skin and seeing it as ‘scary’ is a way to abdicate my self-responsibility
to really look at and change myself, because instead I simply think/believe
that ‘it’s my skin’s fault’ so there is nothing I can do.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
‘a sign of disease’.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within ‘a
sign of disease’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from ‘a sign of disease’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within ‘a
sign of disease’ in separation from me.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin as
a sign of disease because of the absolute fear I feel in relation to the
thought of not having control over my skin/body, or losing control over it,
wherein it would deteriorate and ‘fall apart’ with there being nothing I ca do
about it.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in
dermatillomania as a way to feel ‘in control’ of my skin/body, when in fact I as
my conscious mind, have absolutely nothing to do with the bodily/skin
functioning, regenerating and processing itself. It’s as if my physical body
has its own intelligence, within this:
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my body’s/skin’s
intelligence and feeling as if I am at its mercy, instead of seeing/realizing
and understanding that my body and skin have done nothing but consistently and
unconditionally supported itself/me as it, within and during each moment of my
life.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand
that it is in fact my conscious mind that I am not in control of, especially
within and as dermatillomania, and that this is more a sign of dis-ease which I
mistakenly misplace my fear of onto my skin.
I commit
myself to walk a process of trust with my skin, wherein I will ‘hand over the
reigns’ so to speak, by stopping my participation within the thoughts that I as
my conscious mind is somehow controlling/benefitting my skin/body, I am not.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
the word ‘puss’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’
within the word ‘puss’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘puss’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the
word ‘puss’ in separation of me.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my skin to the word
‘puss’ because I have a horrified/fascinated reaction to the puss that exist
within pimple and within the skin itself. I view puss as filthy and I have the
urge to do everything in my power to rid my skin of any traces of it, however,
I don’t know if it is in my skin or how it is produced or what function it
serves. I feel as though it serves only to frighten and horrify me with no
other purpose to its existence.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to puss in
horror/fascination/fright due to an ignorance surrounding what it is and what
it does.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a product or
byproduct of the functioning of my skin.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my physical
body because it creates something I ‘ve judged as revolting.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge puss as revolting and
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of being revolted by my
own physical to exist within and as me.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame related to my physical body to
exist within and as me.
I commit
myself to research about puss and what its functions are in order that I may
understand how it contributes to the processing of the skin, and why it exists.
I commit myself to clean areas where I may
have puss and to properly tend to them without judgment or a disproportionate
amount of attention to the area.
(“Pus
consists of a buildup of dead leukocytes (white blood cells) from the body's
immune system in response to infection. It means you body is fighting the
infection.”)
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to
the word ‘irritated’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’
within the word ‘irritated’.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the
word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘irritated’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within
the word ‘irritated’ in separation from myself.
I
connect skin to the word ‘irritated’ because my skin is often irritated, and I
find myself reacting to this in anger.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards my
skin when it gets irritated, as if I had nothing to do with the irritation.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated by my skin
after I’ve touched it and picked at it too much without considering that I am responsible
for the irritation and that if I simply left it alone it would calm down.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I’m
actually irritated with myself for continuously
irritating my skin which I then react to because it is physically
uncomfortable, and emotionally because I feel it stands out more and people will
look at me in judgment.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for
irritating my skin by abdicating that responsibility within blaming my skin by
saying, for example, that it is overly sensitive, it is irritable skin, when in
fact it is normal skin that is reacting to an irritant, which Is my actions
towards it.
I will continue re-defining the word ‘skin’ in my next blog.
Until then, check out this video on re-defining words: From Redefining Words to Living Words
Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life. Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .
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