Day 60 – How Do I Turn My Abusive Self-Relationship into One of Self-Support: Update

11:22 AM

I had an amazing realization about how to transform my self-relationship while listening to a recording (called ‘You Will Never BecomeWhat You Don’t Recognize Within You’).  WOW, I can’t believe I missed this one! But I am SO grateful that I finally have!

The interview was explaining how we often times feel we need to wait to be that image of our perceived perfection in order to develop things like self-worth, self-intimacy, and self-value. In a recent post (here), I had a pretty big wake-up call in the form of realizing how hard I have been on myself, really seeing the relationship of self-abuse I have been living. I also realized that I had to develop a relationship of self-support within knowing that I still have abusive tendencies, I still have OCD/derma, but I can’t wait to improve and transform my self-relationship, because then I may end up waiting forever.

These are very valuable realizations, but they miss one very important consideration: I over-looked everything nice, everything nurturing, every action I took that demonstrated self-worth, self-intimacy and self-value. I acted as if I had never done any of these things, and only lived a relationship of self-abuse. I completely disregarded myself and all the times I actually DID incorporate living actions of transformation. 

For example, where is the acknowledgment for every time I sat down and wrote myself out to gain clarity and self-understanding? I have literally done this hundreds of times, but was acting as if all of that time and dedication I put into myself was worth nothing – essentially perpetuating self-devaluation by not looking at these actions, these living statements of self-intimacy.

Even the most minute things…. Every time I chose healthy food, every time I put aside time for myself to take a relaxing bath with skin-nurturing oils and salts… every time I picked myself up after a fall, every time I got my shit together when I was in a rut… every time I took a breath and calmed my anxiety… every time I stopped picking and did something different.  

ALL of these hundreds or thousands of moments that I did not recognize, where I did something for me, proving how much I actually DO care, consider, respect and regard myself. It seems obvious now – but we do have the tendency to sometimes miss the obvious!
I know how many people out there that are suffering from mental disorder may feel as I have – that everything is bad and we are only ever bad and doing harm unto ourselves. But the truth is, we are all fighting, all taking actions to support ourselves every time we reach out and do anything that is to our own benefit. 

So, when I now look at the title of my post, I see I have in so many ways, already developed this relationship of self-support, self-nurture, self-worth, self-intimacy, self-value and so much more.

What I learned in the recording, I simply have to recognize these living actions as the words I do in fact live, so that I can become it fully, embrace it as me fully, and continue to create myself as that which I wish to be, do and live. 

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