Day 35 - At Home Within Myself: ReDefining Home
7:05 PM
From yesterday's blog:
Home:
Self-Forgiveness (releasing past definitions)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to create a home, both internal and external, that is chaotic, unsafe, and
unsupportive of my self-development.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to have not created a stable and supportive home environment because I did not
take responsibility for myself or my life or important things that need to get
done every day, because I expected them to be done for me and I expected to be
cared for, first as a child by my parents, and then as a girlfriend/wife by
men.
I commit myself to create for myself an environment
of support by identifying the self-destructive behaviour patterns, forgiving
myself, and changing them to patterns of support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to fear taking responsibility for myself and my life/world due to
thinking/believing/perceiving that I do not know how, because I found it
difficult to begin with, and because I accept and allow myself to become
overwhelmed and give up, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it
is a step-by-step process that involves baby steps and learning over time.
When and as I see that I am avoiding,
procrastinating, supressing (and thus, setting myself up for OCD) due to the
experience of overwhelming-ness I create through the thought, idea or belief
that “I do not know how” I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to
stability, by centering myself in my body, and not following the thoughts
causing the overwhelming-ness, but simply breathing myself into presence and
awareness, and giving myself the time and space to let the overwhelming-ness
pass before I am able to start taking the steps towards directing my reality,
so that those steps are taken within self-direction and not from a starting
point of fear, overwhelming-ness and confusion. I see, realize and understand
that actions taken from this starting point will only create more of the same.
I gift myself the patience and stability to allow myself to come back out of
the mind before proceeding in the physical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to reflect the chaos of my mind onto my physical environment, blaming that
environment for how I feel inside instead of seeing and realizing that the
opposite is true, the environment is the consequence of my internal struggles,
and the fact that I hadn’t addressed or taken responsibility for my internal
situation caused me to also avoid taking responsibility for my external home
environment.
I commit myself to continue my physical process
(changing in the moment, in real time, as applied change), and to also push
myself to write myself out more and more, in order to better equip myself to
make that real time change.
I commit myself to see and realize that writing
clarifies the busy, chaotic mind, and creates a blueprint for me to lead myself
when life becomes overwhelming with blurring uncertainty, mind
chaos, floating light-headedness, self-damning depression, intense isolation –
these words describing the internal experiences I find myself in, within which
I find it more difficult to direct myself without support.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to feel alone and isolated in my home when there was no one taking care of me,
instead of seeing and realizing that I was there, and it was myself that was
abandoning me because I didn’t have the tools nor the understanding of how to
care for and nurture myself, from without and from within.
I commit myself to push myself to step up for
myself, and tend to things that need to get done.
I commit myself to replace self-destructive actions
to self-supportive actions (eg: do laundry, make tea or work out for example,
instead of allowing for idle time which opens the door to fall into OCD)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to not remain consistent and orderly in my home, but to instead follow the ups
and downs of my feelings and emotions, letting things fall apart when the
motivation is not there, and doing too much when the motivation IS there.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to think and believe that I am dependant on the internal experience of being
‘motivated’ to move myself, and to, within this belief, try to get everything
done in those few moments where I do feel this way, without realizing that my
actions are coming from a starting point of fear as ‘fearing losing the
motivation,’ thus making the statement to myself that I cannot move without
first feeling a certain specific way. Within this:
When and as I see that I am waiting for feelings
and emotions, such as motivation and fear, to move me, I stop, and I breathe. I
bring myself back to the process of developing self-authority by reminding
myself that it is a process, and
sometimes it is a very slow process, and that I am in this moment in a position
to take a step, but it is up to me to decide in which direction I want that step
to be taken. I push myself to take the step in the direction towards
self-authority, which is self-expansion, which is honouring and nurturing self,
thus creating an environment of support within self and in my external
environment.
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