I am doing a 21 day challenge to
assist and support myself to face the OCD impulses and compulsions I fall into when
I participate in calm, quiet activities such as writing, reading or watching
something on television. Having OCD is a high-strung and exhausting existence,
and I find myself longing for a ‘break’ – a moment’s reprieve, or a small rest
where I can, if only for a moment, have some peace and experience my body ‘at
ease’.
When I do fit these moments into my
day, I am mostly discouraged and undermined by the fact that my mind and body
seem to overwhelm me with discomfort and anxiety instead of finding that
relaxed calmness I long for. The OCD compulsions rush in, and the moment I had
made for myself instead becomes a moment for OCD to move in and perpetuate
itself. These moments become the most difficult moments for me to remain in
control. It is almost easier when I am totally occupied, moving from one thing
to the next, but then when I stop, all the reactions I had and simply ignored
while I was busy, seem to come rushing through in quiet moments with myself.
This play-out creates the impression that there is no escape, and, in reality,
there isn’t. There is no way around OCD so it must be walked through and
managed at all times. This may seem like an exhausting task in itself, but the
reality is that nothing is more all-consuming than OCD. When faced and managed,
there is reprieve.
Herein, this 21 day experiment is my
opportunity to face OCD head-on. I will, at the end of each day, sit down
before bed and describe the above mentioned experiences in words. I will also
connect the emotional experiences with the events that took place throughout
the day, with the mind-activity I participated in throughout the day, and with the
projections I may have been creating when thinking and imagining, for example,
about the future. I will also be doing some self-forgiveness on the subject,
which assists in me taking complete responsibility for my disorder, not because
I am looking to blame myself or make this harder for myself, but because
complete responsibility means complete power to change.
Please walk with me through 21 days of facing OCD.
