In my last blog, I wrote out some self-forgiveness statements
in order to clarify the experience I was having with regards to trying to lay
out plans to support myself to stop picking my skin. I have become comfortable
and familiar with accepting and allowing myself sabotage myself in my life,
especially with derma. I sabotage life events and occasions by picking my skin,
and I sabotage attempts to try to stop picking my skin. Self-sabotage has
become the norm.
When I found
a solution for myself in my previous blog, it really struck me how difficult it
was to continuously push myself to implement the solution in my life. The
solution was to script out a detailed plan for myself for moments where I could
see I would be averse to fall into a picking session. The bizarre experience I
had was actually feeling resistant and even threatened by this solution. I am saying
this as if it were immediately obvious and clear that this is what was going on
inside of myself and in my head, but at the time, it was just a sensation. For
example, I would think to myself: I should make a plan right now because I’m
feeling the urge to pick growing inside of me and I know I’m going to be
extremely susceptible to caving in. Then I would immediately feel like I don’t want
to make a plan and that I would instead rather to just follow through with submitting
to derma once again.
I took it
upon myself to investigate exactly what these internal emotional and feeling
experiences were that were ‘stopping’ me from simply doing what I had directed
myself to do, instead of just going with the sensations and falling again. I
used the tool of self-forgiveness in my last blog to expose the internal
working of my mind and put it on paper. I copied each one of the
self-forgiveness statements into this blog and wrote self-corrective
application and self-commitment statements to accompany them as a way to ‘arm’
myself for when this experience happens again.
Knowledge is
power, but knowledge and information without practical application is useless.
The first step is to understand the reasons behind the feelings, and the next
step is to lay out a plan for self for how to walk through this hurdle the next
time it comes up. So far, for derma sufferers, derma has been the ‘default mode’
of how to deal with life. I think it would be quite impossible to be able to
stop without any back up plan or system of self-support laid out for self as a
foundation for a new way of living. The mind doesn’t really work that way, at least
not for me in my process. When I ‘leave it up to my mind’ to ‘sort it out’ I always
go back to derma. It is as if this is all my mind knows how to do. How can I
expect myself to stop and change without my input, my instructions and my
directions that I figured out when I was in a clear and effective head space?
When I fall
into derma, I am not thinking in an effective way. I am in quite a delusional
state, a cloudy and ineffective state-of-mind. Without the support I can give
myself from a good headspace, I really have nothing to grab onto and ground myself
with, so the following blog is where I give myself just that.
I have done the self-forgiveness on the point of sabotaging myself
with regards to presenting myself with a solution. This involves slowing down
the experience so that I can really look at and investigate what’s really going
on within myself and my mind. And then within taking each statement separately
and scripting out what’s called a self-corrective statement, I give myself a ‘plan
B’ to grab onto and ground myself with. After that, I write at least one
self-commitment where I state in writing what I truly want for myself, intend
for myself, and endeavor to create and be for myself.
As follows:
“I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an adverse reaction to making
myself a plan for the day so that I can support myself to do something OTHER
than pick my skin.”
When and as I see that I am having a
reaction to making a plan for myself I
stop, and I breathe. I bring through the realization that I am currently
starting a habit that is entirely new and is thus not part of my
‘default-programming’ that I would normally easily fall into. On top of this
fact, I realize and understand that I am also within this confronting
dermatillomania, which adds another level of resistance and self-sabotage. So I
bring myself Here into a stance of taking directive principle to push myself to at the very least, at this
stage, plan my next steps so as not to leave time and space for derma.
I commit myself to remain gentle and patient with myself, yet
consistent in my application of plan making, because I know it is a rocky road
to walk toward implementing new habits into one’s life, especially if they
threaten the comfort and security already developed within self through
sometimes destructive habits like derma.
“I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to make a plan for my day
because I feel it is ‘boring’ and ‘constrictive’ and it makes me feel ‘trapped’
like ‘I can’t move’ or have ‘no freedom’.”
When and as I see that I am
feeling ‘trapped’ and like I have ‘no freedom’ due to pushing myself to making a
plan and sticking to it instead of picking my skin, I stop and I breathe. I remind
myself that I actually become un-trapped and freer when I push myself to walk
through and out of derma by applying solutions in my life. I bring myself back
into awareness by reminding myself that it is derma that is trapping me and
taking away my freedom, and not the other way around, so the experience is not
real, it is only in my mind and it will dissipate and when I see the plan
through, I will have breathed life into my healing, my beingness, and not into
the disorder.
I commit myself to make plans
throughout the day and push through the deceptive reactions of feeling
‘trapped’ and ‘no freedom’ and so proving to myself that these reactions are
not real and thus cannot contain me and my movement and my ‘Who I Am’.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
manifest the energetic experiences of ‘boredom’ (which is generally avoidance),
‘constriction’, ‘trapped’ and ‘loss of freedom’ in connection to the thought of
making a self-supportive plan to help me avoid a picking session.”
When and as I see that I am avoiding moving myself to walk a
solution by distracting myself with unpleasant reactions, I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to physical reality by reminding myself that
what’s ‘boring’ and ‘constrictive’ is being alone and picking my skin, and then
isolating myself so as not to have to face the damage or others in my world.
What’s incredibly exciting is the prospect that I have a choice in this matter,
I have the potential to stop and change and experience life without derma, to
be able to freely express myself without the heavy burdens of the disorder.
I commit myself to slice through the distractions like a
laser, and to use the focus and direction that I have and am developing to make
a plan, and then see it through.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
feel ‘constricted’ and ‘trapped’ when and as I would make a set plan for myself
for a period of time because I think/believe/perceive that if I stick to that
plan there will be no time for me to ‘do what I want’.“
When and
as I see that I am reacting to making a plan because I think that it prevents
me from being able to do ‘whatever I want’, I stop, and I breathe. I bring
myself back to self-parenting by stepping up and being mature within the
understanding that I know what’s best for me, and that I am the one that needs
to ‘lay down the law’ and be self-responsible in these moments, because there
is no reason for an internal temper tantrum, I know exactly why I’m doing this
for myself, and I will be thankful I did it in the end. I remind myself that
every time I fall and give in to the derma urge, I feel a million times worse
than I would have felt when pushing through the feelings of ‘not getting what I
want’, ‘trapped’, and ‘constricted’. (To read more about the concept of
self-parenting, read my short blog post Here) .
I commit myself to walk the
process of developing self-discipline by stepping up and parenting my ‘inner
child’ because I know that the consequences of not doing so will be worse than
facing the tantrum. And if I walk the self-supportive plans I make myself I
will empower myself to free myself little-by-little from dermatillomania.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that making a plan prevents me from “doing what I want,”
when I can see clearly that “doing what I want” means picking my skin because I
subconsciously want to repeat the pattern and live out the compulsions because
I think I need to satisfy the urge, within this I see, realize and understand
that I subconsciously fear having a plan because I see it as a threat to my
picking sessions, and if I don’t get my picking sessions, I will feel horrible.”
When and
as I see that I’m reacting towards not being able to participate in
dermatillomania because I think I ’want’ to do it or ‘need’ to do it, I stop,
and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that
the feeling is just an energy, one that I have become addicted to, and that I
feel uncomfortable without. I remind myself that with any habit or addiction,
it will not feel great to stop, but
that that is in no way an indicator of what I truly want or don’t want for
myself. I want to be free of this disorder, therefore I will go through the withdrawal.
I commit myself to trust my
personal self-direction, and that I am doing what’s best for me, and that I am
basing my decisions on practical reality and not of feelings and emotions,
fears and addiction.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that being free to pick my skin is the same as being
free to ‘do what I want’.”
When and
as I feel that I ‘want’ to pick my skin, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself
back to physical reality by reminding myself that picking my skin is something
that seems ‘comfortable’, ‘safe’, ‘easy’ and generally good only because I have
grown accustomed to it, I have fallen into it in unawareness and it is what is
familiar and safe for me. What is not familiar and safe is stopping and facing
all the things I have been using picking to suppress; is directing myself to
not pick but instead to for example exercise or tidy or leave the house. These
things seem cold and uncomfortable and scary because I am creating new habits
and I have no blue print within myself for how I should feel and what exactly I
should do and how I need to organize myself and my time to go about making it
happen.
I commit myself to cease the
addiction that makes me believe I ‘want’ this disorder in my life, by creating
something new to support myself with- new habits, new tools, new approaches to
life that don’t harm me, but support me to grow and achieve my full potential.
“I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to pick my skin
within the thought/perception/belief that I won’t ever feel better and I will
feel intensely uncomfortable forever if I don’t get to pick.”
When and
as I see that I am going into fear at the thought of not being able to pick
because I believe that ‘something bad is going to happen’/’I won’t ever feel
better’/’I will feel intensely uncomfortable forever’ I stop, and I breathe. I
bring myself back into myself by breathing in the realization that I will in
fact be okay, that the energy will
dissipate and I will remain unharmed after it’s gone, unlike if I submit, in
which case I will remain however I will be harmed.
I commit myself to repeat to
myself and repeat to myself until it is living words within and as me: I will
be ok, it won’t last forever, and the feelings will dissipate.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
feel an intense fear when I think I’m not going to be able to pick because I
feel like I am losing/denying a piece of myself.”
When and
as I see that the thought of not submitting to the urge to pick is causing an
intense reaction of fear within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring
myself back to stability by reminding myself that I have a disorder that I have
created into and as a separate entity within and as me, and that this entity
will in fact ‘die’ in the sense of no longer existing, however that entity is a
part of myself that is not dying, but simply changing into something that
supports me instead of diminishing me. I as it will consist of life as
self-direction instead of limitation as suppression.
I commit myself to realize that it’s
okay to let this energy go and change and no longer exist within and as me. I
am reprogramming my experience in my living flesh. The current self-experience
is dying, I am extinguishing it, but my living flesh remains and I endeavor to
inhabit it within and as it as equal and one within and as a relationship of
love, acceptance and support. (Click Here to read my post about the Fear or Not having OCD).
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify so much with
dermatillomania that I have begun to believe it is part of Who I Am and a part
of me that I couldn’t survive without.”
When and
as I see that I am reacting within a ‘fear of survival’ mode in relation to
stopping derma, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-empowerment
by pushing myself to kill dermatillomania, to be angry and to take the life
from this disorder, and to free myself to live as Who I Am and not survive in a
limited state of self-identification as a harmful, repetitive, cyclical and
inescapable disorder that does absolutely nothing of any good for me.
I commit myself to be and become
the creator of myself, to become my own living creation instead of the created
consequential outflow of a disorder that I have accepted and allowed to exist
within and as me for most of my life.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that I would die without derma, and to translate this
subconscious thought/perception/belief into extreme fear and anxiety on a
conscious mind level which seems undefinable and inescapable whenever it comes
up.”
When and
as I see that I am feeling some undefinable unpleasant experiences that feel
inescapable, instead of following it through to a state of panic and anxiety, I
stop, and breathe. I bring myself into
self-awareness by looking at my reality and asking myself whether I am safe,
whether I have a plan, and whether I will survive and actually LIVE to see a
moment where I will feel okay again, and I move myself to take the appropriate practical
physical steps to ensure that the answers to all these questions is a YES. I am
not going to die, derma is going to die.
I commit myself to
self-investigate the thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions which come up within
me, so that I can free myself from being a slave to these experiences, and to
instead understand them and behave accordingly in a way that support my
recovery and full-potentiated living.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
feel suffocated when I make a plan that doesn’t involve derma, and within this,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate the
acquiescence of myself to this disorder to breath itself, as if without it, I
couldn’t breathe.”
When and
as I am feeling as though I can’t breathe because I am reacting not to being
able to freely pick at my skin, I stop, and I BREATHE. I breathe and I show
myself that it is ME that is breathing, not the disorder within.as me. I bring
myself back to breath by showing myself that I am the one that breathes, that
walks, that directs and that decides, simply by showing myself that if I want
to take a breath then the disorder has absolutely no power or control over me
to stop me from doing so. This proves that the disorder is not bigger or more powerful
than I am as the living being. It depends on ME, it depends on my existence and
MY acceptance and allowance for it to exist, and in this, I am the boss and the
one who decides. I am not the helpless victim; I am instead the one with the
power.
I commit myself to constantly and
continuously show myself that I am the force that is existent within and as
myself, by proving to myself that I can take a breath whenever I want, which
means that I can direct myself to do anything in this physical reality, and
that dermatillomania actually has no REAL power or control over me, only what I
have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
associate breathing and freedom to derma instead of seeing, realizing and
understanding that I have it exactly backwards, wherein this disorder is
controlling me, suffocating my natural expression, and it has me trapped like a
prisoner in my own body.”
When and
as I see myself thinking that ‘I am free and I can breathe’ when I can pick, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that I
can breathe at any time, and that my freedom is within me taking
self-responsibility and self-direction as self-control. That I am not in fact
the one that is a prisoner in my body, but derma is. I can live and express and
connect out in the world, but derma is confined to me, within me. It is my unfortunate
creation and I am it’s god that decides whether it will exist or not.
I commit myself to realize my own
power, my own self-directive principle that I can walk a process of learning
how to create with, and thus become the self-creator and self-creation of
something great, just as ever other human being has the potential to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
sabotage myself by adversely reacting to making a plan because in reality I
subconsciously want to continue to pick because I have lead myself to
(subconsciously) believe that if I don’t
pick I will suffocate and die, within this, I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to place this disorder as more important and more
vital than myself and my real life and my real breathing and Who I Really Am.”
When and
as I see that I am sabotaging myself by reacting adversely to the support I am
laying out for myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself bac to self-movement,
self-will, and self-discipline by reminding myself that the mind is capable of
feat of smoke and mirrors wherein I can convince myself that I don’t want to heal, and that I do want to pick, or that derma is more important and vital than myself, my real life, my real breathing,
and Who I Really AM.
I commit myself to show myself the
disillusionment of the mind that I have thus far lived and made real, and to
walk with myself patiently until I correct myself and my thinking by aligning myself
and my thinking with common sense, self-understanding, and a one and equal relationship.
