Are we even aware of what it is we are
thinking or feeling the moment we are so compelled that we start picking our
own skin? I seem to think that in the past, before I knew this was a disorder
and before I knew it wasn’t normal and that it is actually quite harmful, I
don’t recall being aware of what was going on inside of me the moments before I
would begin to pick. With the process of self-forgiveness I’ve been able to
slow down a little bit, and actually have a look at the feelings I experience
within myself the moments where I feel like it’s time to ‘pick or die’.
Of these
internal emotional energetic experiences, one stands out in particular. It
moves in and takes over quite regularly, and the last time it was intense was
today, on my way home from work. It was an overwhelming sense and presence of
fear. It was a dizzying uncertainty within which I felt a lack of control.
Within this experience, as I was walking home, I knew that if I didn’t do
something about it, I would end up getting home to an empty house, finding a
mirror, finding some tweezers, and picking in an attempt to make this feeling
go away, to ‘ground myself’, and make myself feel better.
Of these
internal emotional energetic experiences, one stands out in particular. It
moves in and takes over quite regularly, and the last time it was intense was
today, on my way home from work. It was an overwhelming sense and presence of
fear. It was a dizzying uncertainty within which I felt a lack of control.
Within this experience, as I was walking home, I knew that if I didn’t do
something about it, I would end up getting home to an empty house, finding a
mirror, finding some tweezers, and picking in an attempt to make this feeling
go away, to ‘ground myself’, and make myself feel better.
The reason
why I knew this is because this is the pattern I have become familiar with: I get the feeling, I ignore it and suppress
it, and then I act out skin-picking compulsions in order to regain a sense of
comfort, focus, and closeness with myself.
Because I realized that in these moments, it’s hard to admit, but I
don’t like myself very much. I don’t like what I’ve accepted and allowed myself
to be and become; I feel alien and awkward, and like all my bad qualities are
exaggerated. I feel like I’d rather disappear and not exist except for in the
small safe bubble that is created when I pick.
However, I am now continuing to walk
a process of no longer accepting or allowing old habits and patterns to control
me. I am slowly scripting out new patterns and moving myself as my own
self-directive principle, moment to moment, no matter what my internal
experience and no matter how I’m feeling. This is the goal, and this is how I
took a step today to achieve it:
First I did some self-forgiveness out
loud, yes, right in the middle of the street as I was walking, because
self-forgiveness can immediately ease the overwhelming-ness experienced in
these moments. It actually creates a beneficial closeness, self-acceptance and
self-intimacy in these moments that is a cool transition from the detrimental
closeness created by skin-picking. Have you ever tried forgiving yourself? Try
saying the words out loud and see how it feels, it can be intense… or it can be
nothing, depending on our mind-state at the moment you are doing it. When you
do it you have to mean it, and I meant it today because I was scared. I was
walking into a suffocating trap and I knew I had to do something, so my
self-forgiveness went something like this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
going home to an empty house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
overcome and overwhelmed by this feeling of absolute fear and dizzying uncertainty
and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing overwhelming fear and dizzying
uncertainty to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
not giving myself a plan or a strategy to use to direct myself in these moments
where I need it most, moments where I am in fear and uncertainty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be
there for myself to arm myself with preventative measures when I know I need
them most.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon
myself and abdicate myself, my ‘Who I Am’ to this disorder, within the belief
that subconscious submission to the disorder will somehow ‘work’ and make me
feel better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if I continue
to submit, I will simply cycle and loop back into the same position, but worse
because I will have hurt myself and caused visible damage, and I will have let
myself down again.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not
trust myself that I will be able to control myself when I get home into an
empty house.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
think, believe or perceive that I will be able to direct myself when I get home
to an empty house.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
accept myself unconditionally, even when I am feeling like self-judgment and
self-hate are who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate
myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore
and not realize that if I push myself not to go home and pick, I will feel SO
much self-empowerment and control, and I will create self-love, self-worth and
self-intimacy, which are the things I have been depriving myself of through the
use of skin-picking.
After
speaking to myself in this way, the OCD/dermatillomania feeling subsided enough
so that I was able to think more clearly. I gave myself a plan for when I got
home: put away my things, take a shower, put on comfy clothes, make tea, make a
snack, watch a video, write a blog. So instead of accepting and allowing myself
to subconsciously feed the fear and uncertainty I was feeling, I occupied my
mind with the practical concept of making a plan that I could then live out.
This is like using the mind as a practical tool, instead as a generator of overwhelming
energetic reactions. This is empowering. When I would start to feel the bad
feeling creeping in again, I would push and direct myself to think of the
little details of my plan: what kind of tea would I make exactly; what would I
prepare for a snack, what will I put on, how will I feel in those clothes. I
even began to feel comforted thinking about the nice things I would be doing
instead of picking my skin and re-generating god-awfulness created by derma.
So did it
work? I picked a little bit before the shower, but I stopped myself, then I
started, then I stopped myself again, turned off the lights, and got in the
shower.
The main point or realization within
this blog and within this experience I had today is that taking preventative
measures can be HUGE when you see you are walking into a bad situation. The
self-awareness and self-discipline it takes to know when to do this, and then
to actually move and shift your mind into this new way of thinking instead of
falling into the usual patterns, AND THEN moving yourself physically to
actually live the plan you’ve made for yourself, can be difficult and may not
be achieved right away. Then again-
maybe not, one never really knows. I am certainly not there yet, but I am
taking notes and I am practicing. For me it is a step by step labour of
self-love, because taking preventative measures is actual self-love made real,
tangible and visible. The feeling I get when I see these things through is
indescribable – thus far short lived- but I have seen glimpses, and it’s like
breathing for the first time after enduring suffocation.
So to recap:
Look into self when you start feeling
like you’re going to pick. Try to define in words what it is you see and what it is you are feeling.
Do self-forgiveness on that which you have clarified for yourself as your internal experience, in order to clear the mind for practical use.
Make a step-by-step plan for what you
are going to do INSTEAD of picking.
Keep focused and the details of the
plan and get specific, get VERY specific if you have to. You know how specific and detailed you get when picking? Channel that into plan-making instead.
LIVE the plan.
Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself . - See more at: http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/#sthash.tBWO0lJy.dpuf
Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself . - See more at: http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/#sthash.tBWO0lJy.dpuf
