Day 55 - The Decision to Break Down, and Start Over

7:26 PM



Working on managing mental health is not separate from working on all areas of our lives. Sometimes we have to realize that we are creating our lives from the starting point of a disordered mind, and that we could be creating lives that are not optimal. Here's my blog on how I am and have been working through this reality:


This post is continued from:

The Day I realized I had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions for Myself
(https://steemit.com/desteni/@kimzilla/the-day-i-realized-i-had-a-profound-inability-to-make-decisions-for-myself)

and

I Taught Myself How To Make A Real Decision
(https://steemit.com/desteni/@kimzilla/i-taught-myself-how-to-make-a-real-decision)

I left off where I had made my first real decision for myself in my life, independent from outside influence, and from a starting point of creating a better self and life. The main point being that when I made this decision my entire life fell apart around me.

I realized that making decisions dependent on other people my whole life created a foundation on top of which I built a life that wasn’t beneficial to me. When I started taking myself back and making decision for me, I rocked my life to its very foundations and all the structures fell.

This was somewhat traumatic, and maybe I did too fast and all at once in stead of taking it one step at a time. But I was hell-bent on fixing things in my life and had no patience to wait.

Some of the bigger decisions I started making was really committing to improve my relationship with my husband, and to go back to school so that I could empower myself to make a better life for us.

Within that, going back to school to get a degree was another biggie.

While I was away at school, my husband and I had our own individual realizations, and agreed to end the marriage. Another biggie for me.

I also decided to quit my job (eek!) and move back to Canada from the US (gak!).

I decided to start my life over on all fronts with very little money, a lot of debt, and little usable work history in order to fulfill my decision to get a ‘real’ job in the corporate world.

I got a ‘real’ job I the corporate world, and decided to stay there till my debt was paid off.

There is a list of the top 5 stressors that can really mess with your mind, things like the death of a loved one, divorce, career change, moving, and health issues. I was living three of them simultaneously.

Also, within the entire playout, I did not take easily to the corporate world, I did not have a smooth experience dating for the first time after 10 years, I did not handle living alone so well, and I didn’t integrate well back into the city.

BUT, I did not give up. I felt so strongly about the decisions I had made, because I had made them for me. Within this, I found a perseverance, commitment and dedication which I nurtured and developed throughout the 4 years that this lasted. All of this was made possible because I had discovered self-forgiveness, with which I taught myself how to be gentle and patient with myself, push myself and never give up.

Where I stand now is at the top of the hole I had dug. A perspective from which I can now look down and see all the experiences objectively. I can also look at myself in the present moment and see, I paid my debt, I have savings, I have a really cool new relationship that I find extremely supportive. I have friends in the city and have created a life there that I enjoy. And I can look to the future, wherein I have future plans that I am working towards, and I am excited about what I am going to do next!

What is the moral of the story?

For me it has been to stop being asleep at the wheel.

It is so easy to just float along in life and not realize how quickly and easily we can lose ourselves and the true starting point of SELF.

It is self first, always.

Not in a selfish way, but in the way that if you don’t take care of yourself and live with eyes open in awareness, how can you ever expect to assist or support anyone else? You can’t do anything for someone else that you have not learned to do yourself.

Also, lastly – it does not just happen naturally.

We are basically programmed into a default mode that we have to snap ourselves out of. I used a course called DesteniIProcess, where I learned about self-forgiveness, self-commitments and self-corrective application. I like the structure and the discipline required to keep it up, because again,

I am doing it for me.

Find what works for you!

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