Day 57 - Stopping OCD: Who Am I Doing This For?
6:43 AM
When I have
visible marks from OCD, this is how I feel when others see me:
I feel
ashamed
I feel not normal
I feel
embarrassed
I feel
exposed
I feel
disappointed
I feel angry
I feel
frustrated
I feel
self-pity
I feel scared
I feel
vulnerable
I feel like
running away/hiding.
When no one
sees the marks I feel:
I feel Fine
I feel that I
like myself
I feel I want
to help myself heal
I feel like
it doesn’t matter
Why is it
that I experience myself differently when I am alone and when I am with people?
I think the common misconception is that it is the people that are causing me
to feel these negative emotions. But the truth is that if it exists inside of
me, no one put it there but myself. So in essence, when I am alone, I am better
able to hide from those negative experiences that are brought up when I am with
other people.
When I am
with other people I feel like they are judging me for what I have done to
myself. However, what I can see is that it has nothing to do with people
outside of myself, I can’t know what is going on in their minds. But I do know
very well what is going on in my own mind. So basically, when I am placed in a
situation where I am with others, I am being shown how I am in fact judging
myself, and what it is that I accept and allow to feel, think or believe about
myself already.
The
interesting thing here that can be used as self-support is the fact that, when
I am with other people, I am more strict with myself. I am more ‘motivated’ to
stop and really apply myself due to not wanting to experience these negative
things. I can see more clearly what it is that skin-picking is doing to me, my
life, and my self-relationship. So I see that I can make a re-alignment here
wherein I stop making it about ‘other people' and how ‘they' are making me
feel, and instead make it about ME, and how I feel about myself (how I create a
heaviness, burden, tension and stress - check out this video for detailed
insight on how this is created and the first steps towards stopping it).
I have walked
this point in this blog specifically, and touched upon it in many others, where
I see that I have used makeup/concealer/cover up to present a ‘normal’ picture
presentation of myself and function in the world normally. This can be like
hiding from facing myself, but I see that as long as I am using and applying it
IN AWARENESS of what I am covering up and why, I can still bring my reactions
back to myself and take responsibility for them. I still know what I do and how
I live, and I will not hide that from myself.
What I have
seen in terms of these reactions still coming up to this day however, is
because deep down, on a much deeper level, I can SEE and I KNOW that I am not
applying myself as much as I could be to stop this disorder. I know that I
accept and allow it in moments where I am alone and don’t have to face it by
reflecting it off of others. I see that I do not push discipline and
self-movement when I don’t really have to do it for anyone else.
So here I ask
myself, why do I value doing it for others above and beyond doing it for me?
Shouldn’t I be the most important reason? Shouldn’t I be even more motivated
and disciplined to do it for myself, and then as a outflow of this, be able to
be cool and satisfied with myself around others as well? I see that the message
I am giving to myself when I do it in reverse, where I do it for others first
to avoid feeling bad, instead of doing it for myself first to be able to know
that I am stable and doing everything possible to support myself, I am sending
the message that I am not as important, not good enough, not worth it. I am
saying that I only value myself through others, through their validation of me.
The point and
realization here is that I need to start doing this for myself first, not just
in my mind as a realization, but in my living actions. Even if it doesn’t feel
like it right away, I see that when I push myself for ME, such as in moments
where I am alone and I know I can ‘get away’ with it, but I instead decide to
stand and take supportive actions and move myself, that those are the most
empowering moments on so many levels. Things such as stopping, even after some
damage is done, AND being GRATEFUL to myself for stopping, and not just looking
at my fall for having succumbed for a moment. Things such as making a
commitment and sticking to it, even if I fall or miss a day, to forgive myself
and stand back up, showing appreciation and gentleness, cause I am learning.
Things like making myself look and feel nice for me, even if I am just alone
with myself at the time.
If I don’t do
these types of things for myself, I can already see that I will waste so much
of my life hiding, isolating myself and diminishing myself in my life and
living. This is not the life I would choose for myself, or anyone for that
matter. I choose to stand, and I choose to live out the actions that tell me
directly that I see and realize that I am in fact worth it, and that only I can
bring out that worth that is already inherently there.
This can only
be shown and proven to self in living actions, because that is the evidence
that what I am saying is for real. I can and have spent many moments up in my
mind about how I want to change, value myself and show me that I am worth it,
and I can get quite emotional about it. But unless I actually SHOW myself by
ACTING on it, creating visible evidence and proof for myself in my life, it
will only ever remain in my mind, acting instead as a form of dis-empowerment,
because I have realized it, but not taken the initiative to do anything about
it. This is where I create shame, embarrassment, hiding, disappointment,
sadness, anger, frustration and self-pity, all of the things I feel when I am
seen by others. It is not them; it is all me and who and how I decide to be
every day.
Check out these awesome videos on youtube for further support:
This is the fourth video in the Desire for Self Acceptance series.
Do you know anyone in your life who truly accepts themselves on every level?
Is it really so far-fetched that you can completely accept yourself in all ways on all levels?
How can changing your outlook on life and the way you see yourself just a little have a big impact on your relationship with yourself?
How can you develop a recognition of and gratefulness towards yourself?
Self & Living has merged with its sister store, www.eqafe.com - check it out for more!
If you have any specific requests for videos please post a comment on this thread or on the EQAFE channel. You can also post a comment on the EQAFE Facebook page or send a private message: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Eqafe/...
Or you can tweet your request to us @eqafe
Or email us directly on store@desteni.org
Do you know anyone in your life who truly accepts themselves on every level?
Is it really so far-fetched that you can completely accept yourself in all ways on all levels?
How can changing your outlook on life and the way you see yourself just a little have a big impact on your relationship with yourself?
How can you develop a recognition of and gratefulness towards yourself?
Self & Living has merged with its sister store, www.eqafe.com - check it out for more!
If you have any specific requests for videos please post a comment on this thread or on the EQAFE channel. You can also post a comment on the EQAFE Facebook page or send a private message: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Eqafe/...
Or you can tweet your request to us @eqafe
Or email us directly on store@desteni.org
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