Do you ever
wake up in the morning with a certain feeling or emotion for seemingly no
reason at all? With a mental disorder, every day is like a challenge, and
oftentimes upon waking up, coming into the realization that the beginning of
another day is like preparing for another battle. Sometimes I wake up feeling
like it’s not going to be a good day, that I will lose the battle this day, and
I will experience the consequences of that loss. I have only recently begun to
ask myself how much of this is self-created, how much of it is a
self-fulfilling prophecy?
In this blog
I will look at how defining this morning experience in words, tracing back the
source of how I created the experience, and then creating new more supportive
words to live instead has changed the way I live out my days and determines so
much of who and how I am within them. This application was created by Sunette
Spies, who you can watch HERE for a deeper understanding of many aspects of
what we live and experience within ourselves and our minds. In this blog, I
will describe my own personal experience with this application.
I woke up one morning with an underlying
emotional experience of frustration and agitation. It’s interesting, because
there was no apparent reason for it. I was on vacation from work so the usual
stresses and rush are far from my conscious awareness. What I realized is that
we as humans are so programmable that we can condition ourselves into certain
experiences, wherein our bodies can carry within them energetic charges that
can influence who and how we are throughout the day.
What I ask myself is: where within
this is my choice? Where is my decision-making ability where I decide who and how
I am and experience myself throughout the day, and what I accomplish and whether
or not I stand or fall? What I understand is that we do in fact have a choice, and
we can in fact be the decision makers in our realities simply because we are
here, living in our bodies, making those decisions and choices every day.
What we end up doing a lot of the
time though, is succumbing to these un-named and un-identified emotional
experiences we just seemingly feel as if it were all of who and how we are. But
what if this experience is changeable? What if we have simply programmed
ourselves to feel this way over time, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we have
to follow through on the feeling? The unavoidable fact is that it took time to
do this programming, so it will also take time to undo it. The realization is
that it just takes a little patience, practice and application.
Over time, we accept an allow our
minds to run rampant, thinking all sorts of thoughts that are rarely directly
connected to actual reality, however these thoughts do have an influence on how
we feel about ourselves and our participation in life. When I woke up with
frustration and agitation I had a look at how I had, over time, actually grown
used to this underlying experience within me. Upon looking a little deeper I
realized that, not only had I become used to it, but I had also been using it
as a weight to carry around as my burden, a burden I carried around as if I
deserved it, and as if it were some kind of atonement for past bad behaviour
and bad decisions or choices.
I realized that, due to not having
directed my experience with OCD my whole life, and having instead constantly
and continuously submitted to it, I had an awareness on a deep level that I was
harming myself in every way possible and on so many levels. Common sense would
dictate a change in self and living is necessary, but how rarely do we look at
and listen to common sense? What I had instead been doing was carrying around
frustration, agitation, and even guilt, anger and regret, mostly due to
self-judgment, as my emotional burdens
in a way to atone for the sins I had committed against myself.
It is as if we look to burden
ourselves to make up for the harm we do and have done to ourselves and others.
This religion of the self where self-flagellation takes on the form of
self-criticism, self-sabotage, self-judgement and the carrying of emotional
burdens. What is not realized here is that two wrongs don’t make a right. All
we are doing is making it more difficult to self-correct. That the best and
only way we can atone for our sins (real or imagined), is to invest into
ourselves and our process of self-change.
This is where we come to the concept
of self-forgiveness. Although I don’t associate self-forgiveness with religion,
I am aware that Christ taught of forgiveness, and despite many manipulations
and harms caused by religion, forgiveness is a concept of immense value that
stands and can be taken and applied in one’s own life. This can be done in a
way where the forgiveness is like a gift to ourselves, regardless of whether or
not we judge ourselves as worthy or deserving. If you take away the judgment
and view all life as equal – equally deserving, equally valuable, equally worth
the opportunity for a chance to make it right – then the concept of
self-forgiveness is one that atones for any sin, so long as it is accompanied
by self-understanding and self-change, because it allows us to let go of the
burdens we carry (much like forgiving someone in your life can).
I realized that I had been carrying
around an emotional burden that actually caused me to be and live less than my
utmost potential throughout the day, the week, the month, the year, my life. If
I choose to accept and allow this experience to be the deciding factor of who
and how I am throughout the day, then what I am that day is someone that is
impatient, someone that explodes in frustration and irritation at others due to
nothing they themselves have actually done wrong, but due only to my own impressions,
judgments and perceptions of their behaviour and actions. But the truth is, I
am only looking at and projecting myself, and all that have done unto myself
onto others, and reacting towards that mirror instead of forgiving myself and
changing.
Conversely, I have also been on the
receiving end of such treatment and outbursts, whether at work, with family or
in my relationships, and I must say, it does create a lesser experience of what
is possible. When the experience is not checked, it creates sub-par
relationships and interactions between human beings. It creates hell for some,
depending on the situation and context, where the hell is created for both the
giver and the receiver of the outburst reaction. Where depth of communication
and intimacy is possible, only aggression and defence is expressed and lived. This
is the type of day I was setting up for myself if I had just let myself go with
that flow.
When I woke up with this particular
experience, I decided to step up, to be instead the decision-maker in my life,
to check myself and really have a good hard look at who I would be and how I
would behave if I were to submit and succumb to the emotional energy of
frustration and agitation I carried within myself the moment my eyes open in
the morning. What I saw, when checking myself in awareness, was that there are
so many other possibilities that I could live instead throughout the day, the
week, the year, my life.
The word I chose to support myself with in this instance was 'Release', wherein I give myself a re-lease on how I am living, like a new lease on life, one where self-responsibility is taken, things are faced and forgiven, I move me, and I do not punish me and hold charges against myself. I instead live Real Ease, as I ease myself into my day. Release, let go, move on.
The word I chose to support myself with in this instance was 'Release', wherein I give myself a re-lease on how I am living, like a new lease on life, one where self-responsibility is taken, things are faced and forgiven, I move me, and I do not punish me and hold charges against myself. I instead live Real Ease, as I ease myself into my day. Release, let go, move on.
There is the path of following the
reaction or emotional experience, and treating myself and others in a way where
I use that interaction as my outlet to indulge in the frustration and
agitation, letting it explode in an apparent release of tension, where I end up
not only diminishing myself and making myself less than I am capable of, but
also diminishing anyone else that I react towards, causing and creating
reactions in them instead of assisting and supporting them to create and
maintain stability and balance in their lives as well. But there is also the path less-traveled, the one where I decide - in this case- to instead release myself of this burden and this weight, and go about my day with a clean slate, bringing the best of me forward to live and experience with myself and others.
What I saw is that we all have the choice every day;
The choice to correct ourselves, to check ourselves, to step up and forgive
ourselves in order to understand and release our energetic build-ups in our own
time, on our own watch, how it should be done, in self-responsibility - not exploding at ourselves or others due to all the build up.
It’s not being tough or strong to become emotional, angry, frustrated… it’s actually the weaker alternative. Real strength is defined in our ability to take responsibility for ourselves and everything we are and have become. To really stand as that example of what is possible for humanity. That is how we create a better world, through simple participation in our reality, that little slice of it within which we have an influence. It’s how we teach our children and show our peers what we are capable of, and each and every one is in fact capable of it. And that is how we show ourselves what we can be.
It’s not being tough or strong to become emotional, angry, frustrated… it’s actually the weaker alternative. Real strength is defined in our ability to take responsibility for ourselves and everything we are and have become. To really stand as that example of what is possible for humanity. That is how we create a better world, through simple participation in our reality, that little slice of it within which we have an influence. It’s how we teach our children and show our peers what we are capable of, and each and every one is in fact capable of it. And that is how we show ourselves what we can be.
This is a daily practice that is
necessary in all of our battles. I have OCD and that is the hand I was dealt,
that is what I must step up to and overcome and manage for myself. So every
day, upon waking up, I take a good hard look at what I’m feeling and what that
will create. I take that moment to define it in words, to self-forgive, and to
create new more supportive words to live instead.
In this, I am actually creating
living words – a living vocabulary- which over time can be used to live and
apply in many different situations, not just for that day. And what also
happens over time is that the words can be used in conjunction with each other,
to compliment each other. As each word is lived it becomes stronger, and I
define myself more and more within these words, instead of defining myself
within and as feelings and words that I had programmed over time to be filled
with hidden friction, anxieties, stresses and frustration among other things.
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To take the
first step in supporting YOURSELF, you can check out the following links that
led me to take the first steps toward healing, and continue to support me to
this day:
SOUL –
The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people
interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
