Continuing from my last blog, where I
tried the ‘buddy system’ to prevent myself from falling into what I call an ‘OCD
possession’. Read the blog HERE for context.
For me, on this occasion, the
buddy-system worked. Instead of falling into the OCD action of picking my skin
before going to meet a group of people, I reached out to my friend who is a
life coach, and together we found the source of why I felt the compulsion in
that moment. Once I was able to find the source (read the first blog to see
what it was), and I did some forgiveness on having created the source for
myself, I was able to walk out of my house without having to go through the ‘usual
routine’. This is quite a drastic contrast compared to what I am used to in
these situations, and I want to talk a bit about that.
The ‘usual routine’ would be to work
myself up into a state where I feel the only solution, relief, or way out is to
fall into the compulsion aspect of OCD. This would be the actual ‘acting out’ of
the disorder. The way my OCD expresses itself in these situations is
skin-picking. So instead of going through the very normal process of getting
dressed, making sure I look presentable, and then walking out the front door, I
would instead be unconsciously having repetitive thoughts, and feeling unable
to think clearly, focus or direct myself. This causes an internal environment
that is chaotic, tense and uncomfortable, filled with fear, anxiety and stress.
This internal environment is one which I have simply never developed the skills
to cope with. In my life, OCD has developed ‘naturally’ since childhood as a
coping mechanism, due to genetics, past experiences, and actions performed in
unawareness on my part.
What happens is I will go up to the
mirror and obsessively examine my skin. This takes my mind off of the intensity
of the internal environment. In this mental state, any small imperfection seems
to me to be a huge flaw that I think everyone will look at, and is the mistakenly
perceived source of my unboreable internal discomfort. Within this, I feel that
instead of seeing me, everyone would see only flaws and blemishes. So, in a
seemingly uncontrollable mental-state, I would go about removing all the
perceived marks and spots.
The consequence of all this, which is
the play-out that I experience on a daily basis, is that due to all the time it
takes to go into OCD (which, once in the possession, can be a very long time,
and beyond my control to stop), plus the
time it takes to carefully apply makeup to try to be presentable, leaves no
time to actually get ready and do all the normal things one would do to prepare
to leave the house.
To be continued in the next blog. For now, check out this free course DIP Lite to help you see inside your own mind. Or visit Maya Harel, the Life coach that has been supporting me, and do a free coaching session and life purpose test.
