Day 30 - OCD: The Buddy System, Does it Work?
5:53 PM
I recently spoke to a life-coach friend of mine regarding
ways to tackle stopping OCD. She asked me to describe the experience of what I
call an ‘OCD possession’ in detail. As I described it, we together realized that
there is always a trigger, or a source to why the compulsion seems to ‘take
over’ me entirely. We arranged it so that I would reach out to her, either by
Viber or phone call, when I feel an OCD possession coming on. So I tried it,
and I must admit, it was very difficult to do at first.
The first point I faced were the excuses my mind would throw
at me in the moments before I would call her. I would feel the OCD possession
coming on, and I would think about calling her, and my mind would come up with
so many reasons why I should not call. The excuses looked like this: ‘she is too
busy to receive a call from me’, or ‘this is silly, I can do this without her’
(I couldn’t), and so on.
I forced myself to reach out to her on Viber. I told her I
was having urges to pick my skin. We looked behind the urges, and it turned out
that I was anxious about going to meet with a group of people. I was
anticipating all the judgments they would think about me because of my skin. My
friend suggested this is a form of projected self-judgment, wherein I was
taking my own self-judgement and projecting it in to the future, and
‘attaching’ it to my ideas of others and how I was guessing others would look
at me (the same way I look at myself: in extreme judgment for what I do to myself).
It turns out that I judge myself more harshly than anybody,
and I create in my mind this harsh world ‘out there’ that is painful to live
and function in. But the reality is that I have created this within myself, and
projected it on to the world. Yes, it’s true that, from time to time, I have
received harsh judgment from others. But when I actually experience that
judgment, it is not usually as bad as it is in my mind. Judgment from others does happen, and I will look at this in
another blog. But for now, I have realized that the greatest, harshest,
judgment I endure actually comes from within me, and this is great news!
Why is this great news? Because of the power of
self-forgiveness. Returning back now to the scenario where my life-coach friend
and I found the source of my anxiety as I was feeling the compulsion to pick my
skin before going out to meet a group of friends – the moment she suggested I
was projecting my self-judgment on to my friends, I began to forgive myself (I
will post the self-forgiveness below). As I forgave myself, the pressure and
anxiety went away, and I could move myself.
In the next blog, I will describe the second resistance I
faced, how I walked through it, and the outcome of the scenario that was VERY
different than how things usually play out!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
facing a group of people with imperfect skin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
the judgement I may receive from people regarding the blemishes on my skin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
the secret thoughts that others may have about me because it is apparent that I
pick my skin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I
think others may be having lead me to
fall into an ocd possession an actually end up picking my skin/picking my skin
more, thus manifesting that which I am actually fearing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thoughts I think others are having, affect Who and
How I am within myself, and how I experience myself, instead of ME deciding who
and How I am, and directing how I experience myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
my own self-judgment about Who and How I am within OCD onto others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself for picking my skin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself for having fallen into an OCD possession, leaving marks on my skin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself as weak/flawed/imperfect/out of control when I pick my skin so much that
it leaves blemishes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my
mind being exposed to the world when I have marks which show the true nature of
my mind.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
live and move myself within forgiveness, instead of constantly being harsh and
judgmental towards myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard
on myself most of the time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
the need to punish myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive I need to be punished.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish
myself and be harsh and judgmental with myself instead of changing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
changing myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
losing OCD.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
self-movement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
living fully.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist reaching out to my buddy when I feel an ocd possession coming on.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel undeserving of assistance and support for OCD because I feel like it's my problem that I created, it is my burden and no one else should have to deal with it.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for why I shouldn't reach out for assistance and support when and as I can see that I am going into an OCD possession, instead of embracing any and all support I can get to walk myself through stopping this disorder.
To be continued in the next blog, but for now:
If you would like to teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching discernment when it comes to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct ourselves to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.
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