I left off in my last blog by re-scripting my morning
routine, effectively editing out any OCD behavior. I saw how it in fact not
only completely sabotages my mornings, but also sabotages my relationship to
myself. It does this by severely undermining my self-trust, as I have
shown myself that with OCD, I can’t depend on myself because I can’t depend on
whether or not my own actions will be congruent with my intentions. Also, the
fact that I accept and allow myself to fall into compulsions in the morning
causes me stress and anxiety, due to the fear of being late for work, which
fuels and perpetuates the disorder throughout the day. This ‘starting the day
out on a bad foot’ creates a nearly impossible foundation for me to walk
throughout my day with the vigilance and discipline I require to combat OCD,
which I require to do throughout the day and into the evening.
With the
physical release I have been practicing (described HERE), as well as the
re-scripting, I have seen my anxiety levels decrease in normal and uneventful
situations. This is why I am continuing on here, where I have done my morning
routine, and I am now heading out the door and catching the bus to the metro.
In future blogs I will do them same for stressful event sand circumstances that
arise, but first I have to start with a platform of stability:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to steal
little moments of time from myself, when I see that I’m not ‘late’ yet, and
using these stolen moments to go into OCD knowing that I don’t yet have control
over it and that I will almost inevitably take too much time, which accumulates
into me ending up leaving my house only minutes before the bus arrives, causing
me to have to run and worry that I won’t catch it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think
that I have nothing to do with spare time in the morning, because it’s not
enough time to do anything constructive, wherein I become stressed by the idea
of spare time, because in the morning, that means time alone with me, and time
alone with me is difficult when I’m not preoccupied and distracted because in
those moments I feel the intense urges of OCD coming forward and beginning to
react in my body.
When and as I see that I have little spare moments of time, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself
that I do have better uses for that time, and that it is in fact precious time.
I direct myself to walk through my morning tasks until they are done,
unaffected by the possibility that I may end up with extra time, and if that
time does, I direct myself to find a better use for it, such as spending more
time saying goodbye to my partner or walking more slowly to the bust to be able
to enjoy the day, for example.
I commit myself to push myself to stop wasting precious time
on OCD, and to instead invest into myself, using that time to add value to
myself and my life, instead of taking value away.
I commit myself to continue to breathe through the
suppressions coming to the fore, instead of pushing them back down and
distracting myself, so that I may walk through my tasks uninterrupted by OCD,
even if it feels bad/uncomfortable, I know it will subside/go away eventually.
I commit myself to say longer goodbye’s to my partner, and to
walk slowly to the bus when I have extra time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
triumphant when I catch the bus when I’m late, as if I had won a race or beat
the odds, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I had already lost
the moment I left the house, because I had missed moments I could have spent
with myself, preparing myself to effectively handle myself throughout the day.
When and as I am running for the bus when I am late, I stop
within myself, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding
myself that it is not in fact me that is moving myself and feeling triumphant,
but rather the stress energy that I had accumulated during the morning as I
create a situation where I am late. If I in fact have to run, I run as
self-movement, with and as breath, with no extra ‘motivating factors’ coming
from my mind, feeding the OCD cycles.
I commit myself to remain continue to remind myself to remain
stable within myself, no longer utilizing the self-created stress-inducing
scenarios to feed and perpetuate OCD within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
uneasy around the passengers on the bus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,
believe and perceive that all the passengers on the bus are looking at me and
judging me in some way, causing me to become self-conscious which makes my skin
crawl, causing me to feel dirty..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that the passengers on the bus are looking at me the way
I look at myself, when I look at myself through OCD/dermatillomania, close up
and looking for imperfections, narrowing in on every flaw and going into
judgment/repulsion due to my mind creating the ideas that my skin is dirty even
when it is not.
When and as I see that I am sitting on the bus and I begin to
feel my skin crawl, and I start feeling generally dirty due to the presence of
others, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by using
common sense to determine that I am completely the same as I was when I left my
house, when I at the gym, and when I’m with my partner, and these are all
moments/situations where I feel normal. I bring myself back to normalcy through
breathing through the thoughts/sensations that I am unclean and remind myself
that it is not real, but a self-created sensation in my mind, therefor I can
change it and choose to feel differently.
I commit myself to stop myself from feeling dirty and unclean
by constantly and continuously stopping, breathing, using common sense to
remind myself that the feelings are not real. and releasing/letting go of the
thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe
the other passengers and to judge them, because this creates a fear of judgment
in myself, as I wouldn’t want someone else to look at me and judge me the
way I know I am looking at and judging
others.
When and as I see that I am judging others on the bus, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself
that the only judgment is self-judgment, which means I see something of myself
in those that I am judging, and so long as I judge, I will be judged, because I
am judging me instead of changing me. I bring forth self-acceptance by letting
the judgments go, and ‘embracing’ those that I see around me, placing myself in
their shoes, and seeing within
self-honesty, that which I am judging in myself.
To be continued....
