In my last blog I discussed a way in which I have learned to physically discharge the
built up tension that leads me to submit to OCD compulsions namely, compulsive
skin picking, but also other OCD tendencies. I described what this feeling was,
what it feels like, and how to access it through being stable and relaxed,
which brings it out of suppression and into the body where it can be
experienced and breathed through. This has assisted me to noticeably lower my
anxiety levels, and to do regular ‘self-checks’, which support me with
remaining present and aware, instead of getting drawn into OCD possession-like
states of mind.
I mentioned
in the blog that this was a very useful practice, and that it has made a
difference in my life, but that the experience itself is so unpleasant as it
takes place, that It cannot be a stand-alone solution. The experience is
extremely uncomfortable and I find myself still trying to suppress it and avoid
it when I am not completely ‘here’ at times when I am busy or distracted with
daily tasks and responsibilities. I will continue to discharge the energy this
way, but the fact that it is only a partial solution is why I will now work on
not building up this experience for myself in the first place.
I will be
doing this by identifying what it is throughout the day that I react to in
stress/anxiety/fear/irritation/agitation/anger. These reactions hit me in jolts
and seem to remain within me instead of being processed out and diffused over
time. For me, as an OCD/derma sufferer, it remains inside and builds up,
causing me to feel tense, anxious and wound up most all of the time. What I
will do is walk through my day, look at the triggers, and release them with
self-forgiveness, self-commitments, and self-corrective application.
Morning:
I wake up, several thoughts get me out of bed:
“I need to go to work”
“I can’t be late for work”
“What do I need to do to be as fast as possible so I can get
to work on time”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up
thinking “I need to go to work”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
emotional stress, anxiousness, and a ‘rushed’ energy to the thoughts that I
wake up with in the morning of “I need to get to work”, “I can’t be late for
work”, and “what do I need to do to be as fast as possible to get to work on
time”.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,
believe or perceive that if I don’t rush, or go as fast as possible, that I
will be late for work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing stress, anxiety,
and rushed-ness to exist within and as me.
When and as I see that I am going into stress, anxiety, and
rushed-ness in relation to the fear of being late for work, I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to comfort within myself by reminding myself that
I set my alarm to give me an adequate amount of time to prepare, and that I
make it to work on time every single morning, unless there is an unforeseen
circumstance which prevents me, in which case I will call in and explain, which
is as much as I can do.
I commit myself to push myself to walk through my morning
routine within/as self-direction, comfort and ease, as I move from one task to
the next with common sense, instead of
stress, anxiety and rushed-ness within the paranoia of being late/developing a
bad reputation/being fired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
terrorize myself with thoughts that if I am late for work, my boss and managers
will be angry, my colleagues will judge me, and I will develop a bad and
undependable reputation, and I will lose my job and fall into debt, and not get
a good reference from which to get another good job.
When and as I see that I am imagining pretend consequences of
scenarios where I am late for work, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back
to common sense by reminding myself that I am rarely late because I manage
myself and my time in such a way to prepare myself to get to work on time, that
this job is not the only way to support myself in this world, that I can live
in such a way to avoid large debt, that I already have enough references for
work and even if I didn’t, I could still get a job and make new references, and
with the skills I am developing, namely discipline, perseverance and
consistency, I know I ca be successful at most jobs I can get.
I commit myself to let go of my past self-definitions created
by memories of a not too distant past where I
didn’t have the essential life skills I am now developing, I wasn’t able
to hold down a job mostly due to my OCD, I was accumulating debt, and I was not
in control of most elements in my life.
I commit myself to talk myself down from terrorizing myself
with pretend doomsday scenarios that are blown out of proportion, and to
instead have a self-honest look at the actual reality of the my life situation..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think
of myself as a bad and undependable person.
I commit myself to continue to work towards being and
becoming more disciplined, consistent and organized at home, because I then
bring these habits into everything that I do, and with these skills I will,
over time, become someone I can depend on and therefor will be dependable for
others.
I commit myself to continue learning how to incorporate
living actions of self-acceptance and self-care into my daily life and routine.
I commit myself to stop feeding and following the
self-depreciating and self-judgmental thoughts that ‘I am not good enough’, or
‘I can’t be depended on’, because I know this is self-sabotage, and that I am
walking a process of self-acceptance and self-worth, teaching myself how to be dependable for me,
through self-application and pushing myself towards becoming consistent and
self-directed.
When and as I catch myself thinking negatively about myself
as ‘who I am as a person/employee’ in judgmental and self-depreciating ways, I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-worth by reminding myself that
this way of thinking is disempowering and is an avoidance mechanism within
which I can find the justification and excuse to not change, not push myself,
not challenge my current way of being, and to continue with OCD.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage
my self-trust, within and through picking my skin instead of directing myself
to complete that tasks I set out for myself, tasks which I put in place to
support myself to be organized and on time, such as preparing food/clothes the
night before, taking a shower, and reading/writing myself out, and then going
to bed on time.
When and as I see that I am picking my skin instead of
accomplishing constructive, self-supportive tasks, I stop, and I breathe, I
bring myself back to self-love and self-support by pushing myself to breathe
through the experience instead of continuing on picking, within the
understanding that relief or ‘end point’/completion experience will not come
through picking, but will be made real through actually applying the discipline
to move through daily tasks/obligations/responsibilities, thus developing the
self-trust required to be able to depend on myself that I will not create
anxious, stressful scenarios for myself to live out and remain in the anxiety
disorder mind.
I commit myself to continue to push myself to replace
OCD/picking with constructive tasks that serve to support me to release myself
from the disorder.
I commit myself to NOT judge myself when I fall, but to
constantly and continuously pick myself up and try again, each and every time
until it is manifest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
that if I have more time in the morning, I will pick my skin.
When and as I see I have spare time in the morning, creating
the desire to act out OCD impulses, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back
to self-support and self-stability through self-movement and self-direction,
within the understanding of the choice that stands in front of me: to pick, or
not to pick. I choose not to pick, and to walk through and bear he accumulated
consequences of this choice until I have processed it all and it is done.
I commit myself to bear the burden I have created for myself
until it is processed, figured out, understood, seen, re-directed and
re-scripted.
I commit myself to walk through the self-created consequences
of having lived with and depended on OCD for so many years, because I see,
realize and understand that there is no other way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe that if I don’t feel rushed, I will not move effectively and will
pick my skin.
When and as I see that I am creating the feeling of ‘rushed’
as a way to avoid facing and walking through what I’m really feeling, I stop,
and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence, awareness and self-movement with
breath, by reminding myself that I choose not to live a life of avoidance, and
that I have it in me to face that which lies beneath the surface, no matter how
unpleasant it is, because I have already proven it to myself that I can do it,
it’s just a matter of continuing to do it over and over, until it is done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
physically anxious and stressed if I am not rushing and moving fast within the
belief that I will not get to work on time, instead of seeing, realizing and
understanding that the anxious, stressful rushed energy is not valid, and it’s
not what’s moving me. I am moving me, and the emotional experiences of anxiety,
stress, and rushed-ness are only in my mind, and are all a part of the disorder.
When and as I see that I am feeling anxious and stressed when I should be feeling calm and relaxed, I
stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to feel the stress and anxiety without
attaching any values to it, but to accept it and understand it, to breathe
through it, to speak at least one self-forgiveness statement, and to push
myself to move myself regardless.
I commit myself to learn how to effectively walk through the
OCD mind reactions, buy trial and error, writing myself out, and practical
application of what I script for myself through self-introspection and
understanding.
Link to the course I am taking to assist and support myself through this: DIP Lite
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