What I have observed that I require
self-support with is how to walk through temptation at ‘decision-making time’.
Let me elaborate: I have noticed that I can now see the moments when the
thoughts pop up that I should pick my skin, and in those moments, I can make a
choice. This is incredibly empowering and encouraging, as this has been exactly
what I have been working towards developing for a long time through this
process. Before, my OCD was so automatic that it would seem like one moment I’m
fine, and the next I’m already involved in the compulsion which, when I snap
out of it, I can’t really remember when I started or how it progressed.
I’m not sure
if I have significantly slowed down within myself due to having walked this
process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, or if the moment
the thought pops up is more intense and exaggerated, and therefore more
noticeable. I’m certain that I have created more awareness and insight into
myself within and through this process, however at the same time, I’ve noticed
I have become very busy with a full-time job and all of life’s responsibilities,
that I simply don’t have time for OCD, causing it to be more noticeable and
problematic. Regardless, I doubt if it’s either one or the other, and see it as
more a combination of the two, wherein, my life circumstance has created an
opportunity for me where I can now apply the tools and skills I have taught
myself through the Desteni process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that I don’t have the choice to participate in OCD or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that the onl way I can get through is to submit to OCD.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think, believe or perceive that I can only let go and release the tension and
anxiety within me if I pick my skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that it won’t go away if I don’t subject myself to perform the
obsessive compulsions that seem to ‘pop up’ in my mind every time I feel
fear/anger/stress/anxiety or frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
avoid taking the self-responsibility to direct my fear, anger, anxiety, stress
or frustration, and instead to avoid it and suppress it through participating
in OCD and skin-picking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore
that fact that I have proven to myself that I am in fact able to diffuse the
energy build up through breathing, stabilizing myself, and moving myself in a
moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, in these moments of
decision, if I give the disorder an inch, it will take a mile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear the fact that in these moments of decision, it’s ALL or NOTHING, and the
apparent ‘threat’ of losing my precious disorder, is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
react to my own empowerment in absolute fear and petrification, instead of
seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am looking forward to is
freedom from something that has been enslaving me for most of my life, and that
it is not scary and I will not be lost and it wont be horrible, because I can
and will just be myself, and be able to discover myself and who I am beneath the
disorder that has been covering me up and keeping me in for so long.
To be continued….
If you would like to teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching one discernment when it come to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct it to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.
