Sunday, March 27, 2016
I am doing a 21 day challenge to assist and support myself to face the OCD impulses and compulsions I fall into when I participate in calm, quiet activities such as writing, reading or watching something on television. Having OCD is a high-strung and exhausting existence, and I find myself longing for a ‘break’ – a moment’s reprieve, or a small rest where I can, if only for a moment, have some peace and experience my body ‘at ease’.
When I do fit these moments into my day, I am mostly discouraged and undermined by the fact that my mind and body seem to overwhelm me with discomfort and anxiety instead of finding that relaxed calmness I long for. The OCD compulsions rush in, and the moment I had made for myself instead becomes a moment for OCD to move in and perpetuate itself. These moments become the most difficult moments for me to remain in control. It is almost easier when I am totally occupied, moving from one thing to the next, but then when I stop, all the reactions I had and simply ignored while I was busy, seem to come rushing through in quiet moments with myself. This play-out creates the impression that there is no escape, and, in reality, there isn’t. There is no way around OCD so it must be walked through and managed at all times. This may seem like an exhausting task in itself, but the reality is that nothing is more all-consuming than OCD. When faced and managed, there is reprieve.
Herein, this 21 day experiment is my opportunity to face OCD head-on. I will, at the end of each day, sit down before bed and describe the above mentioned experiences in words. I will also connect the emotional experiences with the events that took place throughout the day, with the mind-activity I participated in throughout the day, and with the projections I may have been creating when thinking and imagining, for example, about the future. I will also be doing some self-forgiveness on the subject, which assists in me taking complete responsibility for my disorder, not because I am looking to blame myself or make this harder for myself, but because complete responsibility means complete power to change.
Please walk with me through 21 days of facing OCD.