Friday, November 21, 2014

Day 7- Dermatillomania: The Secrets Within How We View Our Skin


If you haven’t already done so, please read my previous blog Here for context. However, this blog can be read on its own, just scroll to the coloured section.
 

The purple sections are where I forgive myself for 1) connecting the above listed words to the word ‘skin’, 2) for defining ‘skin’ within these words, and 3) for separating myself from the whole process of defining/living the word ‘skin’ by having done this in unawareness and not having considered my responsibility within it all.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘shameful’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘shameful’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘shameful’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘shameful’ in separation of myself.

The blue section is where I forgive the reasons why I developed this part of the definition of the word ‘skin’, and state how I commit to change in relation to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my skin to the word ‘shameful’ because when I think of or see my skin I feel ashamed of what I have done to it because I know that what I am doing is hurting me, yet I do it anyways because it feeds the energies in my mind which allows me to remain the same, stuck in the same cycles which keeps me in the addiction that is called dermatillomania and OCD, wherein I sacrifice myself as my physical body, that of me which is real, for the sake of a psychological ‘need’, which is not real in our shared reality, but only in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of the choices I constantly make day in and day out, to submit to the urges, and to not do everything in my power to stop, but to instead put it off, do it later, allow it ‘just once’ more, making excuses, justifications and validating the behavior repeatedly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself because I developed a disorder due to ignorance and a lack of information and a lack of proper tools to deal with how to direct myself in relation to how my mind processes experience and my reactions towards it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that it is my skin that I am ashamed of, when my skin simply exists as it is, without judgment, whereas I as the mind attach emotional energetic reactions and judgments to myself and everything around me thus feeding the disorder and deteriorating myself and the qualities I need to develop to be able to overcome it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame to replace action/practical application of the tools I am learning, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use shame to get me down and make me feel bad about myself which I can then use as a justification and excuse to not change and not take care of myself.

I commit myself to replace shame with action, with all the small actions as steps I am taking to stabilize myself and my life.

I commit myself to continue and to increase pushing myself towards developing the discipline, self-will, self-motivation, steadfastness and perseverance that I will require to overcome this disorder as well as to realize myself as Life Here.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘stretched’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘stretched’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘stretched’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘stretched’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my skin as stretched because it does not ‘bounce back’ from the damage I do the way it used to and thus I view it as old and dried out and stretched and I imagine a picture of sore and stretched out skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pick and squeeze and scratch my skin until it feels all stretched out, and then to react to it in fear of wrinkles, aging, marks and scars, as if my skin itself were causing the fear and as if I were the victim in the scenario.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for my actions within not looking at the fact that stopping picking my skin would prevent the premature aging of my skin, and instead simply remaining the same yet adding the dimension of fear to fuel my disorder, wherein I remain in a constant fear reaction that is re-charged every time I participate in another picking session.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the constant fear of aging and losing my youth and perceived ‘beauty’ or ‘attractiveness’ due to the damage I have done to my skin, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a heightened reaction to my skin aging due to the heightened value and importance I have place on having ‘perfect skin’ and youth and beauty when I am in fact destroying the potential for any of this through accepting and allowing dermatillomania.

Also within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the very real point of ‘too late-ness’, wherein my skin will slow down and stop regenerating, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living full of regrets due to having destroyed something that I have placed so much value and importance upon.

I commit myself to preserve my skin and assist and support it to be the healthiest it can possibly be, not from a starting point of fear of loss/attractiveness/beauty, but from the starting point of self-acceptance, self-love and self-care.

I will continue within my next blog.
I will continue re-defining the word ‘skin’ in my next blog. Until then, check out this video on re-defining words: From Redefining Words to Living Words Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life. Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself . 
 

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Day 6 - Dermatillomania: The Secrets Within How We View our Skin

The secrets lie in how we've come to define the words....



When I think of or say the word ‘skin’ I feel a reaction come up from inside of myself. It manifests as something physical that I can feel, and is connected to thoughts I’ve had about my skin in the past, situations where I have reacted to and had judgments about my skin, and all sorts of images and experiences I have stored in my mind regarding and in relation to my skin. It’s interesting how words are sounds that we have attributed meaning to, and that meaning is an accumulation of actions and experiences we live/have lived in our daily reality, so that who we are and what we do is actually symbolized into language which would then be like an accumulation of experiences . We both live according to the meaning or definition we have given to a word, and we define our living experience by using words to describe it. In both cases, the definition of the word can serve to either help or hinder our personal evolution.

 It is for this reason that I will change the definition I have thus far lived of certain specific words related to dermatillomania. I will begin with the word ‘skin’ because within and through my blogs, I have been changing my relationship with my skin, and therefore I am changing my relationship to the word ‘skin’ to better reflect the reality I am creating and will continue to create with my skin. I will purify the word and give it a new definition which, when lived, will contribute to my equal and one relationship to my skin, instead of the past and current relationship of abuse.

In order to purify the word, first I will list all the words word that comes up within me when I speak the word ‘skin’. These words, whether negative or positive, stand within my current definition of the word ‘skin’, and are how I have developed the way I live the word skin. These words thus define my relationship to my skin. It is necessary for me to detach or disconnect this current definition in order to place a new definition, a definition of my choice; meaning, I  decide, I direct and I honour ME within my new definition, instead of living a definition that I had developed over time, based on emotional energetic reactions of the mind in unawareness, such as fear, insecurity, avoidance, self-judgment etc… 

In order to release these previous definitions I will be using the tool of self-forgiveness. I understand not everybody is familiar with this writing tool. It is something I found online several years ago and began to use when I saw the common sense within it and as I read others words/writings/experiences with it.  The best analogy I can make to help one better understand its effects would be to imagine when you are in an argument with someone. Now recall or bring up within yourself one of the times where you reached a point within yourself where the internal clouds/storm of emotion/anger/friction/conflict parted just enough that a new perspective was able to come through, where you were able to  release your stance,  giving yourself some room to consider your partner/the one you are arguing with- to see their side, to realize your reaction, to relax a little within yourself:  To forgive them. To hear them forgive you, and to let those walls come down and realize you are on the same side. To share a hug, to bring peace and a return to mutual acceptance and patience with each other, a return to understanding and care, as if you were coming back together to something that is beneficial, nurturing and supportive, after having been out in a storm. This is also what it is like to forgive yourself. You breach a divide that existed within you, and unite yourself into something greater and more powerful than you were when you were divided. You bring a piece of yourself back to yourself, and it feels like coming home. Self-forgiveness is like the living statement that you have decided to assist and support yourself unconditionally, and what inevitably flows from you and your actions is a caring and a consideration for yourself and everything around you as if it were a part of you, and thus self-forgiveness also unites you to others, the people that surround you and the natural world, and you feel a little more at home in this world, and in your own skin.

 I could continue with describing my experience with self-forgiveness, but in order for it to be effective one must not simply describe it, but actually live it by doing the work. The work involves this writing, where we can look for and identify all the pieces of ourselves, forgive the separation, and bring the pieces back together. Therefore, to continue, after forgiving my current definition of the word 'skin’,  I will re-define the word to one that I can live that will benefit me and my relationship to my skin. The truth is, if I continue to look at and see my skin the way I currently do, as my enemy, I am not really giving myself a reason to stop harming it. If I don’t love and respect and care for my skin, then I can use it as my personal punching bag without feeling any guilt or remorse.  But if I change this relationship I have with my skin, it will be more difficult to harm it, and thus one more aspect that is assisting and supporting me to heal myself, to walk out of dermatillomania, to stop, and change for real.

SKIN

Weak

Unstable

Exposed

Dirty

Scary

Sign of disease

Puss

Irritated

Shameful

Stretched

Dry

Unpredictable

Out of control

Foreign

Embarrassing

Infected

Flakey

Inconsistent

Youthful

Pretty

Toned

Sexy

Desire

 

The purple sections are where I forgive myself for 1) connecting the above listed words to the word ‘skin’, 2) for defining ‘skin’ within these words, and 3) for separating myself from the whole process of defining/living the word ‘skin’ by having done this in unawareness and not having considered my responsibility within it all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘weak’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘weak’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘weak’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘weak’ in separation from me.

The blue section is where I forgive the reasons why I developed this part of the definition of the word ‘skin’, and state how I commit to change in relation to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view/define/perceive my skin as weak because it scars and bruises as a reaction/result of the scratching, squeezing and picking that I participate in due to reactions/suppressions/thoughts etc… in my mind which I then take out on my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/perceive/view my skin as weak because it shows signs of the abuse I have done unto it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view/perceive/define my skin as weak because it reflects to me moments where I was weak and did not stand/resist/persist, but instead fell/submitted/indulged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘strong’ skin never shows any signs from abuse inflicted upon it, but can take/handle what I do and still look thick and moisturized and feel firm to the touch.

I see/realized/understand that my skin is not necessarily ‘weak’ because of how it looks, it is simply marked by the consequences of what I have done. It is still functioning at its normal capacity and would function at its full potential so long as I give it everything it needs and give it time/space to heal by leaving it alone.

I commit myself to walk this process of stopping skin-picking to honour my skin, to give it what it needs to recover as much as possible and to reach its full potential, which in turn includes my skin functioning unconditionally for me within all its uses, abilities and functions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘sin’ to the word ‘unstable’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘unstable’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘unstable’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘unstable’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my skin as ‘unstable’ because it flares up at times, become infected at times, develops irritations at times, and is fine at times.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that my skin is always reacting to its environment, which includes my behavior towards it, and if I were more sensitive/aware of what my skin is enduring, I would be more sensitive/aware to why it reacts the way that it does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my skin to be the same all the time, to be unflinching and unchanging, when I am not the same all the time, unflinching and unchanging in my behavior, and within this:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unpredictable towards my skin, wherein I sometimes care for and nurture it, and then in the next moment I am abusive and destructive towards it. I use products to heal, to moisturize and to protect, but I experiment with the products for short periods of time, I become discouraged and switch products or stop using them – This behaviour never allows my skin to become accustomed to one thing, but instead creates a completely unpredictable environment within which it must function.

I see/realize/understand that my skin requires a consistent and predictable environment to be able to trust and depend on in order to really heal, function normally and even meet its own potential.

I commit myself to being consistent and predicable with/towards my skin, by trying out products consistently and for longer periods of time, to observe my skins reaction and to take note if it helps or hinders before switching products and trying something new.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘exposed’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘exposed’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and the word ‘exposed’ by defining the word ‘skin’ in separation from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define  my skin  as ‘exposed’ because  the marks on my skin expose the fact that I am not ‘ok’ within myself, and I cannot hide the fact that I am not ‘normal’ as in ‘perfectly happy and healthy, mentally and physically’ and thus not fitting into society without having to be judged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define/perceive my skin as ‘exposed’ because  I fell like the shame and self-judgment I feel due to skin=picking is painted all over my skin, and that I am thus less-worthy or an easy target for others to diminish me because my weakness is advertised publicly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am and my worth based on what I think other people are thinking about me, when in fact if I have a look at what exactly it is that I think they are thinking, it is my own thoughts and self-judgments that I believe fill their minds. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realized and understand that my skin is merely exposing my own thoughts to me, and that there are no ‘others’ outside myself that are part of this equation, it is only about me and my self-relationship.

I commit myself to walk the process of stopping the negative self-talk, self-judgments and the shame and guilt I manifest within and through my mind which in turn perpetuates this disorder, and to instead learn about how to live self-acceptance, self-worth, self-respect and self-care for real by applying the words in my blogs into my life and reality, and not just hold onto them as intentions, ideas and theories.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘dirty’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘dirty’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘dirty’ by defining the word ‘skin’  within the word ‘dirty’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin as ‘dirty’ because it creates pimples and irritations and redness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the fact that my skin reacts in pimples, irritations and redness mostly after I have scratched, picked and squeezed it, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my own observations that when I leave my skin alone, it calms and returns to a normal healthy state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘dirty’ my skin by interfering with it and it’s normal processes, by touching it with my hands that might have traces of bacteria or be in any way unclean, which then introduces this bacteria/uncleanliness into and through the skin if I break the skin/create openings/rawness as entry points into the more vulnerable and infection-prone layers of the skin/epidermis.

I commit myself  to stop blaming my skin for the things that I am actually doing to it and responsible for, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I as the mind/ego am a victim to my skin which apparently does these things unto me, when it is in fact the opposite and in reverse, however I have thus far not been taken self-responsibility for how I have been living in relation to my skin.

I commit myself to stop tearing open my skin within the belief that it is ‘dirty’, because I now know that it is myself and my actions which create the physical evidence upon which I have defined my skin as ‘dirty’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘scary’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘scary’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘scary’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘scary’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin as scary’ because of the horror I feel when I look at it after a skin-picking session, whereas  if I place myself ‘in the shoes of’ my skin, its existence is more horrifying due to the daily abuse it receives by my hands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my skin for the fear I feel when having to go out in public with damaged skin due to the fear of judgment and the internal experience of isolation I create and manifest within myself due to having picked my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within blaming my skin and seeing it as ‘scary’ is a way to abdicate my self-responsibility to really look at and change myself, because instead I simply think/believe that ‘it’s my skin’s fault’ so there is nothing I can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to ‘a sign of disease’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within ‘a sign of disease’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from ‘a sign of disease’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within ‘a sign of disease’ in separation from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive/define my skin as a sign of disease because of the absolute fear I feel in relation to the thought of not having control over my skin/body, or losing control over it, wherein it would deteriorate and ‘fall apart’ with there being nothing I ca do about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in dermatillomania as a way to feel ‘in control’ of my skin/body, when in fact I as my conscious mind, have absolutely nothing to do with the bodily/skin functioning, regenerating and processing itself. It’s as if my physical body has its own intelligence, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust my body’s/skin’s intelligence and feeling as if I am at its mercy, instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that my body and skin have done nothing but consistently and unconditionally supported itself/me as it, within and during each moment of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that it is in fact my conscious mind that I am not in control of, especially within and as dermatillomania, and that this is more a sign of dis-ease which I mistakenly misplace my fear of onto my skin.

I commit myself to walk a process of trust with my skin, wherein I will ‘hand over the reigns’ so to speak, by stopping my participation within the thoughts that I as my conscious mind is somehow controlling/benefitting my skin/body, I am not.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘puss’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘puss’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘puss’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘puss’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my skin to the word ‘puss’ because I have a horrified/fascinated reaction to the puss that exist within pimple and within the skin itself. I view puss as filthy and I have the urge to do everything in my power to rid my skin of any traces of it, however, I don’t know if it is in my skin or how it is produced or what function it serves. I feel as though it serves only to frighten and horrify me with no other purpose to its existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to puss in horror/fascination/fright due to an ignorance surrounding what it is and what it does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a product or byproduct of the functioning of my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed of my physical body because it creates something I ‘ve judged as revolting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge puss as revolting and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling of being revolted by my own physical to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame related to my physical body to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to research about puss and what its functions are in order that I may understand how it contributes to the processing of the skin, and why it exists.
I commit myself to clean areas where I may have puss and to properly tend to them without judgment or a disproportionate amount of attention to the area.

(“Pus consists of a buildup of dead leukocytes (white blood cells) from the body's immune system in response to infection. It means you body is fighting the infection.”)

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘skin’ to the word ‘irritated’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘irritated’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘skin’ and from the word ‘irritated’ by defining the word ‘skin’ within the word ‘irritated’ in separation from myself.

I connect skin to the word ‘irritated’ because my skin is often irritated, and I find myself reacting to this in anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards my skin when it gets irritated, as if I had nothing to do with the irritation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel irritated by my skin after I’ve touched it and picked at it too much without considering that I am responsible for the irritation and that if I simply left it alone it would calm down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I’m actually irritated with myself  for continuously irritating my skin which I then react to because it is physically uncomfortable, and emotionally because I feel it stands out more and people will look at me in judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for irritating my skin by abdicating that responsibility within blaming my skin by saying, for example, that it is overly sensitive, it is irritable skin, when in fact it is normal skin that is reacting to an irritant, which Is my actions towards it.

I will continue re-defining the word ‘skin’ in my next blog. Until then, check out this video on re-defining words: From Redefining Words to Living Words
Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life. Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .